Donny's Chinese Intern Chronicles: IKEA Sleepover
@chefdonnyy spent one month in China interning for @DonnieDoesWorld. These are his chronicles.
I had a few days left in China and no money in my pocket. I asked Donnie if it would be cool for me to crash at his place for my last two nights in China. He couldn’t swing it, due to an unfortunate infestation of “couch bugs.” However, he did mention that I could crash at his old apartment rent free for as long as I liked.
I guess I shouldn’t have been surprised when the address he gave me turned out to be an Ikea.
Fuck it. I thought. I’ll sleep here.
I’d seen videos of teenage kids in Europe successfully sleeping in Ikea. If they could pull it off in Europe I sure as hell thought I could pull it off in China.
My plan was simple enough, find a cabinet off the main path, climb in an hour or so before close, wait a few hours until the coast was clear, then dance.
I had to get the timing just right. If I got in too early I risked the chance of being caught by a customer still shopping, if I waited too long there wouldn’t be enough people in the store to distract the employees as I climbed into hiding.
Tucked behind a row of bunk beds in a children’s display room was a tall brown cabinet. It had just enough space so that I could sit comfortably in a vertical fetal position.
At around 8:30 PM I climbed in. The execution had been flawless. No one saw me get in. The hard part was over. All I had to do now was wait.
Fifteen minutes in it started to get hot. After twenty-five, I was sweating bullets. After an hour, it felt like a steam room. The walls were dripping with condensation, my shirt was soaked through with sweat. It was at that point that I wished I had been given a bottle of water instead of a bottle of wine.
At 10 PM I heard the announcement that the store was closing. A rush of adrenaline shot through me.
This is it, man, you’re home free. Another hour and the place is yours.
At 10:15 PM shit started to get real. The cleaning crew was making a sweep through my display room. They were just inches away from me at one point. I could hear their conversations as clear as day, I held my breath. I think it was around then that it dawned on me that I was in a communist country trying to stow away in a department store. I had no idea what the trespassing laws were in China.
Dude if you get caught here you could be seriously fucked.
My heart started beating a little faster––
Ba-boom- ba-boom-ba boom ba boom.
Suddenly my phone started buzzing on the shelf. My mother had been calling to check in.
Jesus fucking Christ not now women! If you keep calling I’ll be returning your call from a Chinese prison cell!
To my relief, no one opened the cabinet, and 15 long minutes later the display room fell silent again. It was approaching 11 PM, a full hour after the store had closed. I told myself that at 1 AM I would be able to leave my hiding spot and find a real bed for the night.
Just as I thought I was through the thick of it I heard a small thud in the distance. It grew louder. I quickly realized that the other cabinets in my row were being opened and closed. Before I had time to think the cabinet next to mine was opened.
Fuck, this is it. You’re going to jail. Was all I that came to mind.
Seconds later the doors to my cabinet were flung open. I remained completely still, hoping that whoever was opening the doors might not notice me. Well, he did. It took the security guard a second to process what was going on. He did a double take blinking slowly. It appeared as though he thought that his eyes must be playing tricks on him. They weren’t.
I spoke first.
“Donnie said it was cool if I sleep here, guess he forgot to tell you”
The guard just shook his head and pointed.
“Must now go!”
I got the message. I picked up my shit and made my way to the exit. The store was completely empty aside from me. As I completed my walk of shame out of the front doors I realized how close I had been to pulling it off.
I sighed. I was relieved that I was not in the back of a Chinese police car but disappointed I wouldn’t be living out my childhood dream of stowing away in a department store. It’s honestly pretty fucking absurd that I had no negative ramifications whatsoever for this. I was clearly breaking the law, and yet I walked away scot-free. China is the wild west if you’re a foreigner. As long as you’re not selling drugs to the locals or shoplifting like LiAngelo Ball no one really cares what you do.
I returned to Donnie’s hoping he’d feel for my situation and reconsider letting me ride out my last two nights in China on his couch. He declined, and I was left to fend for myself on the streets of Shanghai. More on that to come.
Stay Houndin’
Donny
EDITOR’S NOTE: I didn’t actually force Donny to sleep in IKEA. It was his idea for content and he seemed unconcerned with the potential consequences. After making sure there was zero way for Chinese authorities to tie him back to me if he got caught I gave him the green light to give it a go. For more of my IKEA chronicles please see below:
