Everyone Understands That A Wink Face Emoji Is Code For Let's Do Sex, Right?

Honestly, I’m shocked I have to write this. Emojis were invented in 1962 and since that fateful first day it’s been widely known that wink face = sex, there are no two ways about it. In fact, it’s one of the only things in 2017 that both sides of the aisle and both genders agree on: if you’re winking, you’re fucking. Everyone knows this to be true.

Everyone, that is, except a caller to KFC Radio today. He got a wink face from a potential client and “didn’t know what that means”? Oh really, you fucking idiot? You don’t know what a wink face means? What about green lights, do those confuse you?

I’ve long maintained that I’m the worst man in history at “picking up signs.” I’ve seen all the RomComs (I’m basically just referring to Hitch at the moment) and I know about the fiddling with keys, the hair flips, the touching, and the dilated pupils (though I can’t see those because I’m not a machine at an eye doctor). I know all of it yet in the moment I am blind as can be to them. Perhaps it has to do with the whole “you need to love yourself first” bit, a step I am yet to complete, but every time any of that nonsense happens I just think, “No. Absolutely not. You’re misreading this, there’s no way this person wants to fuck you. Don’t make a move or you’ll look foolish.”

However, despite ALL of that signal recognition inability, I know what a wink entails. A wink means get in an Uber and head to her place because she wants to sex you up. Grab a flower and some chardonnay on the way and make it nice, you know? But when you get there do sex because that’s what she wants. I’m almost embarrassed I had to type this but if there’s one guy out there who didn’t know what was going on then there might be more and no man left behind.

PS – Send Ria whatever you want, wink faces, smirk faces, a baby… whatever.