What Do You Do At A Party If You've Got To Be Sober?

Big time question here. A caller recently got too fucked up, passed out, slammed his head off something, got a brain bleed, and can’t drink for a few months. This begs the question, what the fuck does a sober person do at a bar or party?

For me, the answer is easy: if I’m sober then I don’t know what a bar or a party is. If I’m forced into sobriety then I’m also forced into solitary confinement. It’s only happened to me a few times but there’s absolutely nothing worse than being the sober guy around a bunch of people. I’m not DDing for you or any of that shit, call an uber, I’ll be at home, on the couch, watching movies and eating junk food. Try and stop me.

But, if you MUST attend a party of some sort then your only option is to walk in smoking crack. Maybe not crack, if you’re too pussy, but some kind of vice. Smoke weed, eat a piece of cake then go puke in the bathroom and tell everyone you’re so bulimic, scream at the game on TV and talk about how your live savings are at stake, anything to let the rabble rousers know that you’re not a straight edge.

Because nothing ruins a party like a sober person without flaws or vices. It’s like partying with your parents and you try and keep it together because you don’t want them to think less of you. A sober person who’s high and mighty about it ruins the vibe and tosses a wet blanket on the party like a roof on fire wouldn’t even do. Show your flaws and show that you too are trying to hide your pain with some kind of addiction, that way everyone knows they’re in the trust tree and they’re free to get wild.