I Think I Like Getting Food Poisoning

I got food poisoning yesterday. Don’t weep for me, however, as I’ve become accustomed to the process. I’m good for food poisoning about 4-5 times a year so it’s something I’ve learned to live with. I’ve even had e. Coli so I’ve battled with the best of what food poisoning has to offer. It’s always my own fault, I’m usually fully aware that what I’m eating is poisonous but I eat it anyway.

This time was no different. I went to a deli that’s given me food poisoning before because I was starving and it’s close to my apartment and I didn’t feel like waiting the 12 seconds to be able to cross the street and get Guy and Gallard. That’s what separated me from certain food poisoning, 12 seconds. Whatever.

As you do when you’re at a known poisoning establishment, I decided to go with something rather harmless: fish. That’s not a food that needs an extensive amount of attention, right? So I got a tuna salad and went happily on my way. I even threw myself a curveball and put some jalapenos on it, a first for me when dining on tuna.

I wept while I ate my sandwich. Seriously. Tears and snot were flowing from the heat of the jalapenos while I consumed a rotten fish sandwich (you’re welcome for the visual) and the food poisoning gods came to collect their toll almost immediately after I finished and I rushed to the bathroom.

But again, I’m fine with it. Pooping is fun so I’m down with some light food poisoning. I’m a noted member of team “I enjoy being sick because it offers me an excuse to not doing anything” so food poisoning is perfect. No coughing, no achy feeling, just a night spent in the bathroom. That’s the dream right there, isn’t it? I was up until about 6 AM pooping and sweating and then I texted Kevin and told him I wasn’t gonna do in because I hadn’t slept all night. Lot of bathroom time, lot of internet browsing at weird hours of the night, and a day off from the office. Plus, this morning I looked skinny as hell. If you can’t get down with that then you’ve got a screw loose.

Now, would you rather never be able to eat your favorite meal again or get food poisoning every time you eat it?