What Are The Best Kinds Of Haircuts For Guys?
Living in New York you see a LOT of different types of people. It took a good month for me to get used to the diversity when I first moved here from Massachusetts. Now my brain doesn’t even register people. I blackout when I leave my apartment and don’t come to until I arrive at my destination. It’s the only thing that makes the city tolerable. I’ve been picking my head up lately because of the weather and noticed that guys’ haircuts are becoming more and more “abstract.” Don’t get me wrong, I’m all for expressing yourself, I just feel like guys need some direction because ninety-nine percent of the haircuts I see are either extra or atrocious. I realize that this is the pot calling the kettle black because I’ve had micro-bangs for twenty-five years, but I don’t care. Consider this a public service announcement to all the Stooiles getting their spring haircuts. Hopefully this will help you decide on a style that’s right for you.
First up is the bowl cut. You may recognize it from the Asian twin scene in Mrs. Doubtfire, or from every childhood photo ever taken in the nineties.
Believe it or not, people still rock the bowl cut. It’s part of the low fashion is high fashion movement. Caleb had a few dudes in the other day and every single one of them had a bowl cut. I was shocked. I thought they were doing it to be funny but they weren’t. They genuinely thought it was a good look. I’ve dabbled in bowl cuts before but only in a barber chair halfway through a trim.
And I was straight then so I get a pass. The bottom line is don’t get a bowl cut. It’s never funny and it’s never okay. Moving on. This particular haircut is tricky because if it’s done right it can look great: the blow back.
It’s the most popular haircut at Barstool and for the most part everyone rocks it well. That said, you should only wear a blowback if you’re starting to go bald and have money or are a cocaine trafficker. Not completely bald, just the sides above the temple bald. You also need to have enough money to confidently say “Fuck off, I’m more successful than you” when someone makes fun of you for having outdated hair. I like it because it shows you know your age, care about how you look, and are confident. It’s a gentleman’s look. And because most people aren’t gentlemen, most people should NOT get a blowback.
Next up is the fade. There are a ton of different kinds of fades and they’re all atrocious. You have the Gordon Hayward:
The toupee fade:
The “I’m going to put a line in the side of my head so people think I’m edgy” fade.
And the most tolerable, regular fade:
In general fades are for douche bags and guys that think they’re fashion forward. Like anything, there are exceptions to the rule; I’d be okay with someone getting any of the first three fades if they were blind. The last one is okay as long as the swoop isn’t too pretentious. Quick recap: the first three fades are a no, the last one is fine. Next up we have the buzz cut.
Enough said.
Long hair is also making a comeback for guys. We have an unusually high percentage of long hair-ers in the office- PFT, Caleb, Norwegian fisherman and Captain of the Cornelia Marie Tommy Leigh. It’s not mainstream by any means but it’s grown on me. I also wouldn’t suggest growing your hair out for the summer especially if you have a job doing physical labor.
Other than that long hair almost always works. Last but not least is the men’s regular.
This is where you want to be. It’s a classic. Four on the sides, five on the sides, it doesn’t matter as long is everything is in proportion. If you’re worried about blending in, don’t be. There’s no need to make a statement with your hair. Besides, sometimes the biggest statement you can make is not making one at all.
So why did I tell you this? Mostly because a guy with a fade cut me off on the train yesterday so I wanted to indirectly make fun of him. But also because I am genuinely shocked at how bad everyone’s spring haircuts are. Which brings me to my final piece of advice- KEEP IT SIMPLE. Unless you’re super hot or an artist there’s no need to try and look like an Urban Outfitters billboard with your hair. Hopefully this blog serves as some sort of guide. If you need more advice check out an actual style magazine. If not, you’re welcome.
Ps: If you can do whatever this is with your hair, disregard everything I just said. You win.