Kentucky Derby De Mayo Is Almost Upon Us

Brace yourselves, May 5th, 2018 is coming. That means Kentucky Derby De Mayo is soon upon us, and there’s gonna be a perfect storm of Hurricane Ashleys and Gale Force Brads on the loose. My advice, drink up as quickly as possible so you can ‘nose-goes’ yourself out of being the responsible one by default.

If you don’t drink, avoid AAHs (Amateur Hour Hotspots) at all costs. This includes, but is not limited to: public transportation, sidewalks on the ‘trendy’ side of town, off campus housing with good front porches, sports bars with names like Señor O’Chuggington’s, and anywhere within a 3-mile radius of me.

As a kid, my neighbors always held a huge Derby Day shindig. Without fail, the big highlight for me each year was that our parents would get sauced enough that we could run off and do as we pleased. This meant no one ever stopped me from guzzling down Derby Pies until I peed cocoa-sugar out my butt.

This Saturday that same neighbor’s daughter, one of my best and all-around loveliest friends, is getting married, so our Kentucky Derby De Mayo celebration will be well taken care of. I’m a bridesmaid, but still plan on going all-in on the Derby Pie. My plans are set.

If you don’t have plans yet, you can drop $100 dineros for a Margarita at a steakhouse in New Jersey. (You get to keep the glass as a fun memento of the time you spent $100 on a margarita at 1:34AM and then regretted it.)

Or on the affordable side, many cities will have Cinco De Mayo celebrations (side note – Cinco De Mayo commemorates the Mexican army’s victory over the French at the Battle of Puebla in 1862) like the one in Denver. Tell uninterested strangers about the dank septiva you have, then hit up the biggest plate of nachos you can find whilst enjoying some culture. Just google that stuff & you’ll find it. (No shit, Kate.)

Live near a race track? Most, if not all, will have big parties going on where tickets get you stuff like track-side beer & food fests, betting vouchers, all sorts of activities and live simulcasts of the races. It’s a good excuse to wear a seersucker suit even if you can’t make it to Churchill Downs. Now there’s a guy who can slam a Mint Julep:

And best of all, if you’re in OG Barstool territory, there’s the party at Tia’s:

…the Barstool Kentucky Derby Party returns to Tia’s, so put on your best Derby outfit and come drink a million Stellas. Horse racing, Cinco De Mayo, NHL playoffs, NBA playoffs, and Sox baseball. Doesn’t get any better than that. There are also prizes for best dressed and best derby hat. Oh, and the weather is going to be absolutely outstanding.

The next time a Kentucky Derby De Mayo (#KenDoubleDMayo?) (#CincoDerbMayo?) (#CincoDeTucky?) (No?) occurs won’t be until the year 2029. Don’t miss out – plan for this weekend accordingly & if you win big don’t hesitate to slide into my DMs.