Update From Giantsland: 2018 Schedule Breakdown, Brandon Marshall Gets Cut, And Dez Bryant Is Working Out With Odell Beckham Jr.

I didn’t know which picture I should use to start this blog, so here is an old video of me screaming G-Men on Bourbon Street before I was married and saddled with kids. The Giants ended up getting their doors blown in, but the good people of Nawlins were awesome. Every NFL fan should “tailgate” in New Orleans before going to a Saints game, which pretty much means just getting blackout drunk on Bourbon Street before stumbling to the game. I apologize for scaring anybody with this video

Yesterday I was running around handling some dad stuff, some personal matters, and then sat in a Dunkin’ Donuts for about 12 hours straight for the Barstool Awards (h/t All Biz Pete) So I didn’t have a chance to comment on the Giants news that broke throughout the day. Luckily I was able to sneak away from Wifey on my last day of paternity leave in order to update all the happenings in Giantsland.

First up we had the schedule release.

I know like many of the NFL things we loved growing up, the NFL schedule coming out has been stretched out and become a damn parody of itself. Games slowly leaking throughout the day on Twitter while ESPN and the NFL try to extend when/where teams are playing into a 2 hour show. But I still love the fuck out of it. We get to predict wins and losses in the most parody-ridden, injury-prone, unpredictable sport in the world. That being said, here are a few thoughts on the schedule that definitely won’t be irrelevant the minute the season kicks off.

– I hate opening against the Jags. I have to root against my handsome fellow Podfather Chaps, the BOAT Blake Bortles, and it’s a Tom Coughlin Revenge Game. You know how many times we are going to see this gif leading up to the season?

A lot. Probably because I will be tweeting it. I love that gif. But again, I don’t like opening the season on a revenge game. Why couldn’t the NFL be like the NBA and save all revenge games for Christmas Day the way Jesus wanted it? Another reason I hate opening against the Jags is that we won’t likely know if the offense is fixed with Pat Shurmur at the helm instead of Ben McAdoo since the Jags D can make any offense look like shit. That being said, I can’t wait for Odell Beckham vs. Jalen Ramsey. If Jalen made AJ fucking Green throw hands, Odell’s head may actually explode on the field.

– Not opening up in Dallas on Sunday night is the final reason I hate the Jags game. That was a tradition up there with the Lions and Cowboys playing on Thanksgiving and the Patriots having a first round bye in the playoffs. Guess I have to save this Vine for Week 2.

– As sick as it sounds, I’d rather get the Texans early when Deshaun Watson may not be 100% #back from his ACL injury. Because that motherfucker is terrifying to play against (granted I only know this when it comes to facing him in fantasy since the G-Men haven’t faced him yet).

– If the Saints game was in New Orleans, I would already be chalking this up as an L. But since it’s in New York Jersey, it’s a pick’em in my mind.

– I never have any idea what to expect in a Panthers game. They are like the Seahawks before they became one of the best teams in the league. The fact that it is a Dave Gettleman AND Mike Shula revenge game has me feeling prettyyyyy prettyyyyyy prettyyyyyyy good about the Giants chances.

Okay that was a lie.

– Fuck the Eagles. Fuck the Falcons for that goal line playcalling in the divisional round. Fuck the Vikings for that NFC Championship Game performance. Fuck the Saints for not tackling Stefon Diggs and allowing the Vikings to make the NFC Championship Game. And fuck BB for benching MB in SBLII.

– I feel like the Giants/Falcons game will be fun. But since it is on Monday Night, it will somehow stink.

– Redskins. Meh. Alex Smith. Meh. I just hope Odell cooks Josh Norman.

– Love the Week 9 Bye Week. LOVE. IT. It’s the halfway point and schedule symmetry is sexy. That’s just a scientific fact.

Not sure why I included that video but it’s been done. Lets move on.

– The 49ers are the team everybody is going to predict goes from negative to positive this season. And since I am a sheep, I am right there with them. The Giants lost to C.J. Beathard last year. Now Handsome Jimmy G. will likely be under center.

– I am thankful there is no Thanksgiving game this season. If the Giants were actually in the playoff race, that Redskins game would have ruined my Thanksgiving. Actually to be honest it still ruined my Thanksgiving. That game was ugly as fuck. And any game in Philly that isn’t at night with the black unis on is a win in my book. There is no chance Eli enjoys when that scenario plays out.

– Big Cat said the Bears are #back, so I am actually kinda scared of them. He wouldn’t just say that unless it was true, right?

– If the Titans were contracted overnight, would anybody notice?

– Tough break for the Giants that they will likely face Andrew Luck in his first game of the season in Week 16.

– Fuck the Cowboys.

Schedule Rating: 7/10. The AFC South seems to be much better than it was in years past and that’s a ROUGH stretch to start the season. But again, if predicting the NFL was easy, bookies would be bankrupt, Vegas casinos would be 1 story high, and fantasy football draft boards wouldn’t be hilarious to look at one year later. Guys are gonna get hurt, teams are gonna underperform, and Roger Goodell is going to suspend someone if he feels it necessary. So maybe the season won’t be over before the midway point of the season again.

Giants Schedule Unveil Video Rating: 4/10

I love the nostalgia play because everything in the world is nostalgia these days. But the Jets ate the Giants lunch with their nostalgia play.

Speaking of Jets and Giants, news broke that Brandon Marshall was cut by the Giants yesterday.

B Marsh confirmed the news in the saddest way possible.

Ouch. So much for the Black Cloud becoming a Giant and giving us one good year before he tore the locker room apart. We didn’t get Good Year 1 B Marsh but he also didn’t cause chaos on the back pages. He was on a team that missed the playoffs though, but I’ll blame Jerry Reese ignoring the offensive line and Ben McAdoo’s “offense” before I blame Marshall.

Which then leads us to the Dez Bryant news. It all started when Dez said he wanted to face the Cowboys twice a year after they released him.

I laughed because I thought this meant Dez was a lock for Washington, the place where ex-NFL stars go to die. I figured with ODB, B-Marsh, and Shepard on the team, there was no way Dez would come to the Giants. Judging by Brandon Marshall’s Instagram, he thought the very same thing.

That is an ALL-TIME Cold Takes Exposed post.

Now Marshall is gone, the Giants have a potential open spot on the outside, and Dez is working out with Odell Beckham Jr.

Ohhhh boy. As someone that has watched a lot of Cowboys games the last few years, I am not exactly stoked about potentially bringing in Dez Bryant, who hasn’t had 1000 yards since 2014. But as someone that watched the Giants throw fade passes to Bobby fucking Rainey in the past, I guess I wouldn’t mind Dez in the red zone while him and Odell drive old sportswriters CRAZY (as well as potentially Pat Shurmur).

#ThrowUpTheX…I guess?

FUCK.

Can’t wait for the pregame tickle fights!!!

Alright, I’ve convinced myself that Dez won’t come here because he’ll want to get paid and Jerry Reese has our cap tighter than a belt around my waist. So instead of worrying about that, lets sit back, stare at this incredible schedule tweet, and dream of NFL goodness in 4.5 months.