The Internet Thinks It Found the Man Who Threatened Stormy Daniels: Tom Brady
Blogging 101: When you’re writing a headline that may or may not suggest a link between some public figure and a heinous event, include some qualifier that casts it into doubt. A “Someone Says …” A “Person Claims [blank]. ” Or “Surveys Suggest” etc. Remember that the question mark is also your friend. This is how you can say things like ” Report: Peyton Manning Used His Wife to Get Him HGH.” Or “Many Believe Lebron James is Responsible for All Worldwide Catastrophes.” Maybe “Is Roger Goodell the Spawn of Satan???” That’s how you express yourself creatively and entertain the public without getting sued out of all relevance and until you’re forced to walk the Earth without a trace of human dignity like Deadspin. Call it The Barstool Difference.
Anyway, ha ha, Twitter. Good one. Stormy Daniels claims she was threatened by some anonymous henchman of Trump in 2011. The sketch artist she hired came up with this. 2011 just happened to be Tom Brady’s Long Hair period. When his look toggled back and forth between Aragorn and The Rachel. He’s friends with the Donald. I get the joke.
But you can kiss his perfectly symmetrical ass. Tom Brady doesn’t threaten ladies with anything but his piercing blue eyes and masculine-but-respectful sensuality. He especially doesn’t make threats to America’s hard working and underappreciated porn lady population. And aside from the hair, that sketch looks nothing like him. It doesn’t have his perfect bone structure. His pillowy soft lips. That chin dimple you just want to take a week long all-inclusive vacation in. If that’s supposed to be Brady, it’s the worst drawing we’ve ever seen of him. And we’ve seen some doozys.
So joke’s over. Knock it off. It’s not funny anymore, you guys. So quit it. Still, we’d be naive if we don’t think this could result in a four game suspension and the loss of a draft pick.