Big Problem!!! Chinese Made Condoms Too Small, Says Zimbabwean Health Minister

Source: Condoms made by Chinese companies are too small for men in Zimbabwe, according to the country’s Health Minister David Parirenyatwa. We import condoms from China and some men complain that they are too small,’ Ms Parirenyatwa was quoted saying during a recent event in Harare, the capital of Zimbabwe.

This is a story we talked about on Mike & the Murrdog last week. For those that missed it, I thought I’d readdress the story, and share a related lesson that my dearly departed gardener taught me. If there are people on this planet I’m not too fond of, it’s the Chinese. Before the haters who have their panties in a bunch call me a racist, it has nothing to do with that. However, it has everything to do with the fact that these motherfuckers think Africa is their dump site to dispose of all their defected products. I mean look at this shit:

The best part is kids think they’re stuntin in their IVike Air Max 95’s. You really hate to see that.

I’m sure most of you are aware of the notion that black people are known to pack HAMMERS, whilst Asians…eh not so much. This begs the question, why the fuck does the Zimbabwean government import its condoms from China? How dumb is that? They then have the nerve to complain about the small condoms too! To make matters worse, those small condoms break reeeal easily. I thank my lucky stars I’m not a father of 3.

Anyway, being the quite the humanitarian, I’m here to offer a solution to this problem courtesy of my late gardener McGuyver (RIPIP).

I wish I had a picture of McGuyver. I have a shit ton at home, though it would probably take 3 days for my mom to email me the pictures (we still have dial up internet at home. Pretty sure half the people reading this don’t know what that is). Anyway, I’ll try paint the picture so close your eyes and picture a 50 something year old black dude, 5’4 tall, with only 3 teeth and the body of an NFL cornerback. Kinda looks like this:

Dude didn’t spend more than a day in school, couldn’t speak a word of English and yet he’s probably the wisest men I’ve ever come across. McGuyver spoke of “the 2 condom trick” to counter the bullshit condoms the Chinese sent us. Fair warning this technique is a little barbaric but it was a small Zimbabwean village after all.

You put your first condom on, rub a lot of hot sauce on it, then put on the second condom.  If at any point you, or your partner starts screaming in agony, you know one of the condoms has been compromised and its time to get the fuck outta there!!!!*

Shout out to McGuyver for making me a humanitarian and Barstool for giving me the platform to spread the message to conquer HIV and other various STDs.  You’re welcome!

*This method is not encouraged, supported or endorsed for use by anyone in America or  anyone outside of my tiny village in Zimbabwe. Actually don’t do it in the village either.