A Quiet Place Is The Best Movie Of The Year But You Need To Take A Xanax If You're Going To Get Popcorn

I’m a huge movie etiquette guy.  I follow all the rules and am perfectly well behaved during a movie and, in turn, I expect the same from everyone around me.   I mean it’s not that much to ask.  Just sit in your seat, don’t talk, don’t hold your phone screen up, don’t make commentary about the movie, chew and sip at a normal human volume, and watch the movie.  For like 2 hours, tops, that’s all you gotta do.   I don’t think it’s that hard.  I’m able to do it and I’m glued to my phone.  I couldn’t see a movie for my first like 6 years here because I was terrified a story would break or Dave would need something posted and the internal conflict of having a job vs observing my strict moral code of movie behavior would rip me apart from the insides.

Which brings me to A Quiet Place.  The best movie I’ve seen this year.  It’s getting rave reviews for good reason – it’s pretty much the perfect scary movie.  Well acted, well directed, an interesting twist, a unique character feature, it’s not too short, not too long, it doesn’t pander, it doesn’t spell everything out for you like a moron.  I was, quite literally, on the edge of my seat through the last 30 minutes.

But here’s the problem.  95% of the reason I go to the movies in the first place is the popcorn.  It’s the difference between waiting for OnDemand on my big screen vs. paying $16.99 and hauling my ass to a physical movie theater, surrounded by the general public, whom I’m usually not particularly a fan of.

And, maybe you’ve heard, but A Quiet Place has 90 total lines of dialogue. (I originally said 19 because 90 sounds like 19 and my brain can be small.)   And those lines all come in spurts.  So almost the entire movie is just dead silence.  And not just silence of voices – silence of the entire world.  Like you’re just sitting in a dark movie theater that is dead quiet….except for the sound of crunching popcorn.  Nobody has ever noticed the distinct sound popcorn makes when it is being grabbed,  crumpled into a handful, chewed and swallowed until they’ve seen A Quiet Place in theaters.  And don’t get me started on the nachos and the Buncha Crunch.  If you’re getting candy with any sort of crunch factor you’re going to want to go ahead and take some anxiety medication 20-30 minutes before heading in, unless you have the fortitude and self confidence to deal with an entire theater turning around to stare at you and give you dirty glances and make huffing noises under their breath and ask their boyfriends to beat you up.

In conclusion:

Kmarko Tomatoes:  97.5% (-2 for popcorn factor, -0.5 for jump scare that made me spill my cherry Coke on my favorite movie jeans.)