There's A Special Place In Hell For My Mother After She Tried To Ebay My Impregnable Childhood Baseball Card Collection
See, I usually try to venture from the 7th level of hell that is New York City to the hometown about once a month or so to see the fam. Why? I don’t know. Maybe because I’m a good son. Or maybe because there’s always food and alcohol that needs to be pillaged. But honestly one of the main reasons is my mother is always on a bitch-kick to get rid of the very things my brothers and cherished while growing up. Somebody has to keep tabs on that woman when she goes on a power trip.
It all started when I came home from college and my drum set was egregiously sold on Craigslist with the profits not being shared at all. Serious Enron type shenanigans. The only solace I had was the new owners of the set couldn’t even fathom how many times my testicles had touched those tom-toms. Ever since then I’ve been like a Bald Eagle over her eggs with anything near and dear. I don’t care if I own 30 Nintendo games without an NES to play it on – They all stay. Every award, trophy, and perfect attendance certificates are absolutely all keepers. Why? Because dammit, I need to show my kids someday the piece of paper proving I participated in the 1994 Malvern Halloween Parade. That Ultimate Warrior costume may have been 8th in the books but it was 1st in everyone’s hearts. Also, I can’t WAIT for the day POGS make their triumphant return. If Bitcoins came to hold actual monetary value then my Simpsons and Ninja Turtle POG collection alone will be worth millions. That’s not even mentioning the one of a kind GUTS Metal Slammer in my possession. Pure silver mined from the Aggro Crag. Never again will anything that I grew up with be callously sold without approval. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.
Well, excuse me for being suspicious when my collective All-Star squad baseball card holder being out of the closet in plain view for the first time in 10+ years along with various other items of relative non-importance (brother’s old cassette love mix tapes, autographed framed poster from Bloodhound Gang and Michael Jackson trading cards, which for some reason exist in the first place). And an All-Star squad it is. Check out these titans I owned on my roster:
STARTING LINEUP:
CF – Ken Griffey, Jr
1B – Pete Rose (Phillie)
RF – Teddy Ballgame
3B – Michael Jack Schmidt
LF – Barry Bonds (Rookie)
2B – Ryne Sandberg
C – Mike Piazza (Rookie)
SS – Ozzie Smith
P – Steve “Lefty” Carlton
Bullpen/Bench:
Roger Clemens (Rookie)
Greg Maddux
Curt Schilling (Phillie)
Nolan Ryan (Rangers)
Trevor Hoffman
Paul Molitor (Blue Jays
Mark McGwire (Rookie)
Kirby Puckett
Tony Gwynn
Cal Ripken, Jr
Current value of all cards combined < 5 Taco Bell Value Meals
Look at that lineup. LOOK AT IT. Hall Of Famer’s and sauced up maniacs ahoy. And you thought Mr. Burns put together an unstoppable softball squad? Psh. My Clemens doesn’t cluck like a chicken. Anyways, I ask why all this stuff is out and I got the hesitant “Spring Cleaning” excuse.
Bull. Dick. You don’t have to be Rust Cohle to piece together what’s going on here. If I wasn’t home the only existence Kirby Puckett had in that household would be boxed and shipped to some bigger idiot who thinks baseball cards may one day hold value. You think Trevor Hoffman rookie cards grow on trees, lady? Sorry. I can’t even trust my own mother anymore. So it looks like this and other items of value such as the N64, Rocky posters, and Spider Man sheets are coming back to NYC with me. It’s a good thing I don’t plan on getting married in the next 40 years.
PS – I also did search through the closets/attic and realize all of my important childhood Ghostbusters memorabilia is gone. Figurines, coloring books, replica of the firehouse, Ecto-1. All of it. As well as an 8-hour VHS tape with every single Simpsons Halloween special on it till 1998. I love my Mom, but the line has been crossed. Mother: