Browns LT Joe Thomas Announces His Retirement After 11 Seasons In Cleveland. Next Stop: Canton, Followed Potentially By Sainthood

It appears the Football Gods saw all the love the Browns were getting on the internet the last week or so and decided to pull an auto correct on their asses. “Oh you guys are enjoying all those trades, an offense that should be fun, and two picks in the Top 5 of the draft? Well your best, most beloved player from the last decade that never missed a snap until this season is going to retire. Suck on that, Believeland”. I would say that The Football Gods could be real assholes, but I thank them for making this official after the Giants signed Nate Solder. I didn’t need the free wheeling Browns driving up the price or signing my team’s new left tackle.

We all know that Joe Thomas going to Canton is a lock. The real question is if/when he will become an actual saint. I don’t know what the exact criteria for sainthood, but this article on BBC seemed to give me an ideas

Step one: Wait five years – or don’t

The process to make someone a saint cannot normally start until at least five years after their death. This is to allow time for emotions following the death to calm down, and to ensure that the individual’s case can be evaluated objectively. The waiting period can, however, be waived by the Pope. Pope Benedict XVI set aside the waiting period for his predecessor, John Paul II, in 2005. This was thought to reflect the overwhelming hierarchical support John Paul II enjoyed, and the popular grassroots conviction that he was a holy man.

Apparently you usually can’t be a saint until five years after you die? What kind of bullshit is that? I understand the Hall of Fame. You can’t have a bunch of guys unretiring and being in the Hall. But waiting until someone is dead before you make them a saint makes no sense. It’s like telling someone you love them after they died. Funerals are wasted on the dead and apparently so is sainthood. Cool Pope Francis strikes me as a Football Pope that would waive Rule 1 if he saw fit.

Step two: Become a ‘servant of God’
Once the five years are up, or a waiver is granted, the bishop of the diocese where the person died can open an investigation into the life of the individual, to see whether they lived their lives with sufficient holiness and virtue to be considered for sainthood. Evidence is gathered on the persons’ life and deeds, including witness testimonies. If there is sufficient evidence, the bishop asks the Congregation for the Causes of Saints, the department that makes recommendations to the Pope on saints, for permission to open the case. Once the case is accepted for consideration, the individual can be called a “servant of God”.

Joe Thomas skipped the NFL Draft to go fishing with his dad. Jesus loved the shit out of his dad and is always associated as a fish. Joe going on that fishing trip instead of hanging around the debauchery of NFL Draft parties with the Pro Hoes that can turn any man cross-eyed makes Thomas as much of a servant of God as anybody I have ever met in my life.

Oh yeah and all this stuff the Browns mentioned in their press release doesn’t hurt his case I suppose.

He is the only player in team history to earn the Walter Payton Man of the Year distinction multiple times (2010, 2012 and 2016), and was selected as one of three finalists for the 2012 NFL Walter Payton Man of the Year award. He is also the only player in team history to be voted as the PFWA Dino Lucarelli Good Guy award winner multiple times (2010 and 2013), an award for cooperation with the media and community involvement. In addition, Thomas was named the Browns Player of the Year by the local PFWA in 2014 and 2016 and was a finalist for the 2017 NFL Art Rooney Sportsmanship Award. The Browns’ 2016 and 2017 Salute to Service Award recipient, Thomas has been highly involved in the team’s programs supporting military members and their families since joining Cleveland. In 2010, he embarked on a 10,000-mile, week-long trip to visit troops stationed throughout the Middle East as part of the NFL/USO Tour. Thomas has also engaged in multiple military appreciation opportunities through the team’s First and Ten program as well as creating a season ticket program, “Thomas’ Troops,” which provides members of the USO of Northern Ohio who are deployed or will soon be deployed and their families free tickets throughout the season for each Browns home game. Thomas and his wife, Annie, have impacted countless lives as major contributors to the Cleveland Kids in Need Resource Center, the Providence House, the Cleveland Browns Courage House, the Greater Cleveland Food Bank, the Cleveland Animal Protective League (APL) and numerous other organizations.

Step three: Show proof of a life of ‘heroic virtue’

Despite the fact Thomas has his own podcast, he didn’t use his own retirement announcement to pad those numbers and topple the Pardon My Take monster atop the iTunes Charts.

Instead of his podcast getting attributed by all the Big J Journalists, Joe Thomas allowed the Browns Twitter account get all those retweets, likes, and free publicity. To be honest, that may be the most heroic thing I have ever seen.

Step four: Verified miracles

Joe Thomas played more than 10,000 consecutive snaps banging his body into gigantic athletes for the worst franchise in the NFL and didn’t complain.

Think about that for a second. More than 10,000 snaps IN A ROW. In the NFL. Against the most ridiculous superhumans this side of the Marvel Universe. Once Thomas was gone, shit immediately went downhill.

Thomas also not only blocked for the majority of the quarterbacks on that infamous Browns QB jersey, but he even knew all of their names (not even including DeShone Kizer who was added to the infamous list after this video was made).

That is two, count them two, miracles. Joe Thomas, miracle worker in a hopeless place.

Step five: Canonisation

Canonisation is the final step in declaring a deceased person a saint. To reach this stage, a second miracle normally needs to be attributed to prayers made to the candidate after they have been beatified.

Thanks to the stockpilling of picks and cap room, the Browns should likely be much better than the last few seasons and now have extra cap room thanks to Thomas’ retirement. All this will inevitably lead to the ridiculous “Are the Browns better without Joe Thomas?” articles. And if THIS Browns front office can somehow bring a Super Bowl to Cleveland, part of it will be thanks to Joe’s retirement. You want a miracle and I give you a Cleveland Browns Super Bowl.

So enjoy retirement, Joe. You deserve it for everything I wrote about here and much more. #JoeThomasForCanton #JoeThomasForSainthood

P.S. Imagine if Kirk Cousins actually signed with the Browns and then Thomas ghosted on him? That would definitely have hurt Joe’s sainthood case.