If You Say Yes Every Time Somebody Asks You To Donate Money You’re A Sucker
Stool Scenes, Cousins Retreat Edition is taking the internet by storm. We had Part 1 Wednesday, Part 2 yesterday. High, HIGH recommend. It’s a great product — just good, clean fun showing the Cousins in their natural habitat. To be honest, mine and Trent’s role in the whole weekend was very similar to my role in the radio show: steer the ship in the right direction and keep everything on track so the Cousins can be the Cousins. Do that and wah-lah, the content can’t be stopped.
However, early on in our adventures I was the inadvertent focus of the show. We stopped by the first Florida Airport souvenir shop we saw and found these sweet hats. I’m not kidding one inkling when I say this is the best hat I own. The color pops, the logo stuns, and it also possesses that ideal scent of sentiment.
I went to purchase the hats and, if we’re being honest with each other, was a bit out of sorts while doing so. I was nervously anxious about meeting my cohosts (I wanted to like them as much in person as I do on the radio; turns out I like them infinitely more) while also trying to figure out the best credit card to charge in the likely event Barstool refuses to reimburse me. Then the lady blindsides me with a just ruthlessly timed question.
“Riggs says no to donating to the troops” is a tough headline. It just is, no two ways about it… but I regret nothing. I donate to only two things: Harvard, because somebody one told me it’ll help my future kids get in (like my $25/year is making substantial improvements to Harvard’s $40 billion endowment), and this small village in Africa that I’m supporting. It’s not much but I give them like 8 bucks a quarter and apparently it buys cows that are the backbone of their entire economy or something. Probably going to some 45 year old porn addict in Wyoming but whatever. It’s the thought that counts.
The other time I’ll donate is in a time of tragedy. I’m a good person.
And I love the troops, but this right here is a no brainer. NO BRAINER. You can’t be donating to anything at a damn airport souvenir shop. If you donate there, then you’re donating everywhere. The airport souvenir shop I believe is the lowest possible option on the “Ok you got me, I will donate” totem pole. It’s not even fucking close. Not only do I not have enough money to say yes to every single person that asks me to donate, but I also say no simply out of principle. Don’t ask for donations in this slimy, sneaky, disrespectful way. Just tacking it on to my Florida souvenir shop purchase? Playing the old “well you’re already spending ‘x’ amount of dollars, what’s 1 more dollar!” card. Get the fuck outta here. No I would not like to donate to anybody.
When I decide to donate I take it very seriously. The whole situation and circumstance needs to be right. It needs to mean something to me but more importantly I need to know it means something to them because then it’ll actually mean something to me. This right here? This means nothing. This dollar could be going ANYWHERE. Donating is a lot like fucking somebody you actually like for the first time — you don’t want it to just pop up and surprise you, you want it to have more build up, meaning, and memory power than that.
Did I donate to the troops when asked to on camera? No I did not. Do I regret it? No I do not. If you donate every time some schmuck (no offense Florida souvenir shop lady) asks you to donate, then you’re an idiot.