Barstool's Tentative Intramural Softball Lineup Had Jared Carrabis Batting 8th And It Sent Him Straight To The Looney Bin
(Pictured: Either Jared Carrabis, “Head Baseball Guy” at Barstool sports, or the only weasel capable of running a Percocet operation out of their burrow)
Jared. Meatstick. Carrabis. Where shall we begin? Well, here’s how the story goes: Shooting the shit at the bar last night over a few brews, Office Manager Bretto and I decided to whip up a tentative, borderline fictional lineup for the Barstool Intramural Work Softball League returning in April. It was all conjecture. I mean, you don’t know what you got until Spring Training starts. What if Big Cat comes in under the required 240 to be a slow-pitch softball pitcher or delicate Frankie Borelli completes his transition?
Regardless, it’s still fun to waste the time away dreaming about the sights, smells, and beers that go along with slow pitch softball, so here was the lineup(s) we created in good, clean fun:
Notice Jared Carrabis batting 8th and playing RF, much like the kid in Little League who only played 3 innings and played with toys in the dugout during the rest of the game while eating paste in the offseason. To each their own. Maybe if Jared doesn’t want to bat 8th and play RF you’d think he’d take it upon himself to prove it to everyone on the field he deserves better? You’d think wrong. Now cue up the biggest hardo hissy-fit in the history of Twitter (Michael Fraudaport included) – Read his outragous blog here:
Yup. Jared actually hired some dweeb to “Represent” his best interests. I bet that “former standup comic” is a real hot shot Scott Boris while adding bloggers playing in beer leagues to his client list. Look, I know my softball. I’ve been playing in whatever uniform and gear I had lying around since you’ve been sucking your mother’s teet. I had the deadly accurate scouting report of our squad after only one game. I’m fully aware of how the game should be managed and played, including all the necessary rules:
From what I saw last year, Jared’s batting 8th and playing RF. It’s just the way the cookie crumbles. Carrabis tried to justify himself with all-armed hack at Fenway Park (ever heard of it?):
Sweet front loaded swing, Jared. It’s time to work less on tattoos and more on the tee. Meanwhile perfection and salvation lies within, or with the best ballplayer in the office. Maybe take some notes from the greats like myself and better your game through humility. As you can see, whether it’s sending Spider Monkey’s to the moon:
Using the last medical redshirt NCAA year of eligibility to take the UPenn baseball team to Omaha (put that stroke on a poster and call it a life):
Or teaching Rhys Hoskins the ways of being a major league superstar (unlike Silent Meathead Bob who is just standing there for no reason whatsoever):
Bottom line: Be a team player, Jared. If not, then be a man perfectly capable gender neutral human and prove yourself on the field. I (almost) sacrificed a testicle for this squad. I’ve been there before. You showed up midway through the season, misplayed every can of corn hit your way, and would make Odubell Herrera seem like Wile E. Coyote on a rocket with your energy down the basepaths.
PS – He’s an angry little elf:
