Pick Two To Defend You, The Rest Are Coming To Kill You

These type of things come around every once in a while and always manage to pretzel my brain for at least a day or two. We did 2 hours of it on Mickstape, KFCRadio tackled it, and ZeroBlog30 made their choices as well, but I wanted to make a clear cheat sheet.

So you have to pick two of these options to defend your life against the rest of them. This is the type of shit I would have loved to see at the old Coliseum in Rome. They’d never let you get away with an enormous animal/human death match in this 2018 PC Culture and that really creates a negative impact on potential entertainment value. Anyways, let’s get into the possible draftees.

50 Golden Eagles:

Birds of Prey are extremely skilled at killing rodents and other small mammals, but not built to kill things much larger than that or animals with armor such as a Crocodile. I’ve seen the videos of them drowning deer and other larger mammals but its not an every day occurrence. They are a popular pick because of the high quantity combined with their unique position as the only air combatants, but their frail build leads me to shy away from picking them. I’ve held Pelicans in my hand by the bill and they are so much lighter than you’d expect. A Golden Eagle with a 7-8 foot wing span weighs only 8-11 lbs! Hollow bones are great for flight but not in paw to talon combat. In an all out war, I think a direct blow from any of these other contestants would do serious damage and incapacitate a Eagle, however menacing their claws might be.

10 Crocodiles:

Crocs easily have the biggest monster factor of any of the participants. They are modern day dinosaurs and are extremely sufficient at killing large mammals. Their detriment in this scenario is that their game depends on the element of surprise and in an all out war, we have to assume that I’d know these Crocs were coming to murder me, and would be wary of their ambushes. This limits their capabilities and as scary as they seem, I do not think they are a real contender to be chosen in this scenario.

3 Kodiak Bears:

Brawn, brains, and claws to boot. I’m all in on the bears. They can take a beating and will not be killed by the Hunter’s gun before it can kill the hunter itself. They have claws complete with mini knives, can stand 10 feet tall, and also sport a bite force around 930 PSI. This is a 5 tool player. The type you build a franchise around.

7 Bulls:

Don’t sleep on the Bull. Cape Buffalos kill countless lions and are extremely dangerous to humans. They can weigh up around 1,300 lbs and are also known as Black Death. These bovine tanks are not to be trifled with.

I would not be excited to be tasked with taking these things down, but at the end of the day I’m riding with predators only. Can’t go into the trenches with something that only eats plants when we’re talking about an all out battle. I need things that have taken lives! Killers! When we’re talking heavyweights, I want the Bears or the Crocs that would consume one of these things for dinner, not the one who is running from them.
(This video is so funny)

1 Hunter:

This may be the biggest X-Factor in the whole competition. Does he have a sniper rifle? Does he have a musket? Is it just a shotgun? I think the fairest way to decipher this is that he has unlimited ammo with a 12 Gauge Shotgun. Enough to kill these some of these animals but not a machine gun where he is just mowing people down. Now my first instinct was to be on the right side of the most dangerous game, spurred on by an intense fear of not getting shot while trying to avoid the rest of these bad mamajamas. This is the only option that can hit you from a distance. The rest have to be within arms reach to hurt you. The hunter decision comes down to whether you think your picks can get out to him fast enough to take him out, because given enough time you are surely to get your ass shot up. On the contrary, if you pick him, you are banking on this dude picking off either thousands of rats, 50 eagles, or one of the larger beasts before they rip him to shreds.

15 Wolves:

Tough to be scared by anything that could be killed by a social media savvy Texans running back. Seriously though, a pack of wolves is a nightmare in cool colored fur. Sharp ass teeth and the ability to surround and overwhelm. I also don’t think people respect how big they are.

Enormous dogs with a meaner temperament and their “treats” are your intestines. I think their agility and willingness to jump on a bears back and hang on by their teeth makes them dangerous to the larger animals in a way that the other animals won’t. Would be very interested to see them versus the 4 Lions, who have a similar hunting style. The Lions outweigh them by about double but are outnumbered in this scenario, would love to see it.

10,000 Rats:

First of all, we decided that these are New York City rats. Subway rats. Mean ass creatures. The spawn of satan. I have a Chinchilla who is a kind soul, and he’s bit the living shit out of me many times and drawn blood.

Now we’re talking about the most gutter animals on Earth. We’re talking about 10,000 of them. Vile creatures capable of chewing their way through lead, concrete, wood, brick, and just about any material you can think of. They are insatiable and swarm. The idea of thousands of them coming at you is terrifying. Just like anything thats swarming in hordes, pihranas or ants, you can bat off the first few, but once they get enough soldiers onto their target, its simply too much to defend against. They also have the advantage of not having to overpower any of the other animals on the list. They simply capitalize on the lack of focused defense on each individual in order to attack without worry. The same way ants can kill spiders or lizards.

5 Silverback Gorillas:

Gorillas are a popular pick here. Enormous, fast, and extremely strong. They have human type intelligence and are quick enough to overwhelm most animals. Most people take the Gorillas right off the bat. They have giant teeth and giant muscles. No one would judge you for wanting them fighting alongside you and not coming at you. They aren’t as big as most people think, topping out around 400-500 lbs and 8-9 feet high. There are stories of 800 lb individuals in captivity, but for the sake of this argument we’ll say a standard large adult. Another X-Factor is their thumbs, which give them the distinction of being able to clutch and grab (shoutout to the early 2000s NHL). Having human-like animals on your side in this battle would be an added bonus as well when it comes to emotional support. Something tells me the gorillas would look over at you and say “well this sucks” before beating the brains out of some eagles and wolves King Kong style.

4 Lions:

The ability to kill things with a swift bite to the throat is advantageous in this scenario where speed of incapacitation is key. I gotta think there is going to be mayhem going left and right. Can’t have Crocs taking 5 minutes to drown something while 15 wolves are surrounding me, and the lions would be helpful in this respect.

My Final Answer: 10,000 Rats and 3 Kodiak Bears

Kodiak Bears weigh up to 1,500 lbs. The biggest animal out of the potential selections. They are natural apex predators and would beat any of the other selections in a 1on1 environment. Just a classic case of taking BPA. The same way that every Eastern Conference team for the past 7 years has ended the year with the revelation that its very hard to win a series where the other team has Lebron. You can always fall back on the most talented individual doing something special (Or having Kyrie do it) when it comes down to crunch time and the bears combination of size, speed, and brute strength is going to cause matchup problems with any of the other options. Go case by case and I’m taking a 1,000 lb bear in every single one of them. The Gorilla is the only one that can play size wise and the Lion’s quickness in regards to a throat bite is tough, but bears deal with wolves going for the same play all the time, its nothing they haven’t seen.

The rats are essentially this situation’s version of double teaming the other team’s best player. In situations where you don’t have the talent to match up, you have to overkill with numbers. A gorilla is terrifying, but if it is fending off 600 rats gnawing at every inch of exposed tissue while it tries to fight, it isn’t as dangerous. 10,000 is SO MANY. I also chose rats after process of elimination in regards to no other options being able to prohibit that many rats from sneaking through the defense.

Going from top left on down, the Eagles will get swatted into pieces until they are limping around with broken wings, at which point the rats will swarm them. The Crocs will be tough work for the Bears, due to their scaly armor, but will eventually grab them by the throat and rip some guts open. Its a roadblock but an eventual mismatch due to the Crocs reliance on camouflage and surprise in their natural hunting style. The Bulls haven’t been the same since Michael Jordan left and I just think any animal that can be outsmarted by duping it with a moving cape is not going to hold up under the pressure of this battle. The Bears will swipe the shit out of them while the rats swarm. The hunter will not be able to shoot straight with hundreds of rats biting him, and if he has to reload at all, he is getting over a thousand pounds of Kodiak paw straight to the grill piece. Humans are really kind of pussies when it comes down to the natural world. The Wolves are a threat to the bears but if the Bears can utilize the advantage of not being bitten by hundreds of rats, they will be able to kill some of the wolves, which then tilts the field towards the bears immensely once numbers aren’t an issue. Once they can’t attack in packs its a wrap. The Gorillas will be a problem but the size advantage is just too great to overcome. Giving up 500-1,000 lbs in a death match is never a position you want to be in. And finally, the Lions make me the most nervous due to their ability to slip under and snatch the windpipe out of animals.

If they start catching my Bears with this shit, its time to go talk to the hunter about a quick solution to this problem. At the end of the day, at least I wouldn’t have to get gnawed to death by rats.

The consensus is that there is no right answer, which is most likely the only truth out of this hypothetical. The numbers just don’t add up right. Maybe if you could pick 3 but even then its tough. The environment is also the biggest factor that wasn’t specified. If its a Hunger Games type place, maybe the Crocs play a bigger role when you don’t know where they will pop up. Maybe its the center of Cowboys Stadium and you start on each end zone. Whatever the case may be, its fun as shit to talk about!