31) So, Ummm, I Guess I'm About To Become A Millionaire?

So yesterday I was working hard, grinding away on Twitter looking for blogworthy stories and videos, when I noticed I had a new DM. I leave my DMs open because I think closing your DMs is a selfish move and I hate selfish people more than vegetables. I also may leave them open because Stoolies will occasionally drop a tip for a blog. But mostly because I hate selfish people.

Anyway, I noticed I had a DM from Ahmed Ali Al Sayegh. I could tell by his avi that he was probably a Stoolie and definitely a guy with top notch business acumen.

Below is his message:

I was immediately overcome with emotion. First, I knew this was a serious email and Ahmed meant business because he addressed me by government name, Clemzingis. Only people that have access to birth certificates, personal financial info, or Barstool Sports call me Clemzingis. His story of rising up the ranks from account officer to Managing Director (notice the CAPS to signify the level of importance) was nothing short of inspiring.

Then I got sad. Could it be true that Uncle Husson had died in that horrific earthquake back in 2009? I admittedly hadn’t heard from Uncle Husson since that earthquake happened. But I also had never heard from him before the earthquake happened happened either. I went on Google to make sure this wasn’t someone just pulling a prank on me, and sure enough Indonesia is Earthquake Central.

Then I got excited. If you’ve read the newspaper over the last year or so, you will notice that my sports teams haven’t done so hot. My Mets went from a wild card team to a steaming pile of horse shit. My Giants went from a wild card team to a flaming pile of horse shit with circus music playing in the background. And my Knicks? Well my Knicks were the least disappointing team I had in my life. Granted they were called a #superteam in the preseason by their point guard, ended up 20 games below .500, and had a staredown with the team’s young star player and the team’s president that ended after the president was accepting trade offers for said player before getting fired. So it’s been a pretty rough run for Mets/Giants/Knicks fan gypsies.

If you’ve listened to The Podfathers over the last year (download, subscribe, and review), you will know that I am welcoming a new member to my family in a matter of months. Baby Clem 2 is going to be a masculine child that will likely have the appetite of his old man. That in itself could bankrupt me once he starts eating solid foods.

Which is why I jumped at the chance to get Uncle Husson’s (RIP In Peace) money. My financial adviser (yeah I have one, nbd) advised me that this sounded like a Nigerian prince money scheme. My response was that Ahmed was more of a Middle Eastern name, to which he had no reply for. He just stared at me with his eyes and mouth open wide, probably wondering why I became a smut blogger instead of a Fortune 500 CEO. After a full minute of him shaking his head, I decided it was time to leave his office and make moves.

I didn’t want to seem meek when I responded to Ahmed, so I made sure to throw an exclamation point at the end my opening sentence. I don’t know why, but whenever I speak to somebody that may not have English as their first language, I always speak extra loud and laugh since laughter is a universal language. I also created a Gmail account that had my true name of Clemzingis associated with it instead of my Americanized name so Ahmed would not be confused.

I didn’t end up hearing from Ahmed last night, so I slid back into his DMs to shake his tree.

Again, I made sure to include an exclamation point at the end and not can just hold my breath. I’ve been checking my inbox breathlessly and so far, no good. I imagine I am not the only Clemzingis from Uncle Husson’s home country looking to strike it rich. I hope Ahmed didn’t pass me by for another potential business partner. They say business opportunities over the internet are like holding a bird. You don’t want to grab them so tight that they die. But you also don’t want to hold them so loosely that they can fly away.

I just hope my Ahmed Bird isn’t dead or flying with another bird. I hope he writes back. I wouldn’t leave Barstool if I got this $13.35 million. I would actually invest in Barstool. Buy some fuel for our trip to the moon. Plus having another millionaire in the office would be good for the brand. Maybe I could sponsor Smitty’s trip to Minnesota. Or go full heel and buy a Super Bowl ticket only to burn it in front of Smitty’s face because I hate the Eagles. Man, all these content ideas are just rushing to my head as I sit here. Please write back if you are reading this, Ahmed. I love being a common man, but I would love to be a millionaire common man instead of a thousandaire common man.