All Time Backfire: Japanese Kayaker Tries To Sabotage Opponent By Spiking His Drink With Steroids, Gets 8-Year Ban Instead

Suzuki, 32, spiked the drink bottle of his rival, Seiji Komatsu, while competing at the national championships in September, which caused Komatsu, 25, to fail a drug test and receive a ban ahead of the 2020 Games. 

Komatsu denied any wrongdoing, which prompted the Japanese Canoe Federation (GTP) to launch an inquiry into the incident. An investigation revealed that Suzuki intentionally drugged Komatsu to cause his disqualification, and therefore increase his own chances of booking a spot on the 2020 Japanese Olympic team.

I’m always amazed when scandals like this go down in a sport like kayaking. I don’t know. I guess I really shouldn’t throw stones from a glass house being a hockey and lacrosse guy, but kayaking is such a fake sport that the idea of anybody taking it this seriously is incredible to me. It’s this whole other world that we know nothing about yet the competition is apparently as cutthroat as it gets.

Now here’s what I’ll say for our guy Yasuhiro Suzuki. I can respect anybody who is willing to do absolutely anything in order to succeed. As the late, great Amelia Earhart once said, “if ya ain’t cheatin, ya ain’t tryin”. And I’m always up for a good ol’ fashion sabotage plan. It talks a cold, calculated son of a bitch to go ahead with an idea like that. Tonya Harding gets a bad rap but really she was just one of the greatest competitors in modern history. My hat goes off to her and her will to succeed. Yasuhiro Suzuki had an opportunity to be right up there on the Mt. Rushmore of competitors next to Harding.

With that being said, you simply cannot fuck up this badly. All time backfire doesn’t even begin to do this one justice. He had this all worked out in his head perfectly. He’d get his opponent disqualified. He’d be on his way to representing his country at the 2020 Olympics. Win gold, become the biggest star the yak world has ever seen. Get married to a supermodel. Live in a mansion, have a few kids, lead an all around baller life. And then as he’s lying there on his death bed, he’d finally admit what he had done to the world and we’d have not other choice but to respect the balls off of him for being such a savage. Who wouldn’t want that life?