I Almost Sweat To Death During Last Night's Bomb Cyclone

New York City is a strange place. I moved here three years ago and still get surprised at the level of weird I see on a regular basis. Whether it’s hookers beating each other up on my walk home,

dogs in coats,

or delivery men riding their bikes in snowstorms,

it never ceases to amaze me.

Having said that, living in the city makes you realize that you take a lot of things for granted. Especially on the home front. When people think of Manhattan real-estate they think of luxury high rises, door man buildings, and twenty-four-hour concierge. Not under-managed pre-war walk ups on the brink of collapse. Sure, nice buildings exist but most people don’t live in them, they live in the latter. The worst part about them is that the infrastructure is so old that things like the heat are controlled by the building. No big deal, right? WRONG. Not only can it cause physical discomfort, it will stress you the hell out. Coming home not knowing if you’re going to freeze or sweat is no way to live.

Take last night for example, I thought I was going to come home to a cold apartment. We’re in the middle of a bomb cyclone and temperatures were in the single digits. Boy was I wrong, I came home to sweat box. And that’s not an exaggeration, it was literally ninety-five degrees. My radiator ran so fast that it was whistling like freight train.  I was laying on top the covers butt-naked at four in morning with the windows open sweating. It was so uncomfortable that I took a melatonin to try and escape the pain and I’m allergic to melatonin. Think about that. The heat was so violent and so disorienting that I risked death by asphyxiation to find comfort.

The craziest part is that I’m not the only person in New York who experiences this special kind of hell. I have friends who can’t get to sleep for the same reason. It’s ridiculous. Maybe this was my landlord trying to smoke us out of the building? I don’t know. It could have been a mechanical malfunction. Whatever the case, it sucked. I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy. So why am I telling you this? Two reasons, the first is to remind you to be grateful for your thermostat. Temperate shouldn’t be taken for granted. The second is because this is the third night in a row that this has happened and I want to leave a paper trail should something happen to me. If I stop showing up to work you know why. Stay warm, friends. Just not too warm.