Some Batman Superfan Named Bruce Wayne Set a Chipotle Record By Eating There Over FOUR HUNDRED AND TWENTY SIX DAYS IN A ROW

FOUR HUNDRED AND TWENTY SIX DAYS. I mean this guy is a mad man. I’m a chipotle guy as much as the next (maybe minus KFC who gets it at 11 AM everyday) but getting this every day for well over a year would incinerate my insides. I’d be sick and develop ecoli multiple times. Chipotle is good, it’s not that good. If we’re talking Chick Fil A everyday for a year then we can talk because you can mix it up, but every day getting a burrito I don’t think I’d survive the year. I did my own experiment of this when I first started working here that ended horribly.

Back when I was an intern I got Chipotle three times a week for about a month because it’s literally on the corner of our office. This was a combination of pure laziness since it’s so close and being scared to spend time looking for a new spot in case Keith needed me to be his bitch. Well, at some point, probably two months into this movement, my body gave out. I had just left the office around 4:30 (I was an intern so my tasks were limited) and walked to the Port Authority to get on the bus. My daily trip home is about an hour and twenty minute bus ride so about halfway through I got a shooting pain in my stomach. I went from being completely fine to thinking I needed an appendicitis within 30 seconds. The bus was PACKED and the guy next to me was LARGE so I had no room to squirm around or spread out at all. I was trapped, in an imaginary box, for the next 40 minutes. For all intents and purposes this was the end of my life.

I immediately tried to distract my brain from what my body was going through. Scroll through Twitter, scroll through Instagram, text someone random and start a conversation. Eventually I filled in my school group chat about my ongoing battle. It was basically the worst 40 minutes of my life. I ran through scenarios if somehow we hit a big, unexpected bump and I just let myself go. I’d probably be the result of my bus derailing and everyone dying so I tried my best to hold it in.

As I made it off the bus I still wasn’t out of the woods yet. In front of me was a 10 minute walk home. The longest ten minutes of my life. At about the halfway point. the constant motion of my legs was doing me in. I thought of options. 1) go in the woods 2) go behind a tree 3) tough it out and pray 4) run. I presented my options to my friends and the first response was to run. If I ran I’d get home in 40 seconds so that seemed the most enticing. This was probably the worst decision of my entire life as five seconds into running I completely shit myself wearing my nicest pants, completely ruining them along with my shoes. I was still a good three minutes from my house so I had to conduct my walk home after completely soiling myself. OF COURSE the really hot girl from across the street who hasn’t said hi to me since high school decided she’d acknowledge me as a human being. Why not? Somehow I kept on walking and did not reveal my accident to her. I probably woulda walked into moving traffic on the highway if that happened so at least there was some good news. As I got home I tossed all my clothes and my sneakers into a plastic bag and threw them out in the nearby creek. Yeah I couldn’t risk anyone finding out at the time to avoid questions so I walked to a fucking creek and disposed them like a dead body. Since that day I hesitate going to any Chipotle. I still do it from time to time because it’s so good in small doses, but eating this 426+ days in a row is pure lunacy. I physically could not do this. You could not pay me to go through this shit (no pun intended) again.

This whole story distracted me from the fact that this guy’s name is Bruce Wayne and he’s a psycho Batman superfan. I guess if you get named Bruce Wayne at birth you have to just go for it and become batman in real life. You’re automatically forced to become a superfan at the bare minimum, but that just adds to the whole lunacy of the story.