Hamiltoe, The Porn Parody Of The Musical Hamilton, Is Making A Splash In Pants Everywhere
HuffPo- The sex-enhanced musical, just released by Los Angeles-based porn company WoodRocket.com, purports to tell the story of one of America’s greatest “pounding fathers.”
According to the script ? which takes place in 1769 ? “Alexander Hamiltoe” is the man who invented the threesome, with the help of the two “Fister Sisters,” who are only step-sisters and do things the Schuyler Sisters in the original musical probably wouldn’t do.
Other “pounding fathers” like Cumas Jefferson and James Madickson make cameo appearances, but this hornier Hamilton ends with a “penis duel” with Aaron Bonerr.
Yes, yes, a thousand times yes. Oh my GOODNESS what a gift. And it appears that no expense was spared. The production value of Hamiltoe the Musical Porn Parody makes the original Hamilton look like a high school musical, and I don’t mean High School Musical starring Zac Efron. JK this is the worst thing I’ve ever seen. They’re not even trying! It appears the casting director cared far more about sex and breasts than musical or historical integrity. My goodness, first you have this Aaron Bonerr:
Apparently, he banged the costume designer’s wife because those clothes are an act of revenge. NOTHING fits. Sure, he appears to be about 5’4” but based on stereotypes, I’m guessing his dick is something to behold.
Then you have this barrel of boobs:
Actually don’t mind her. At least she can smile. “How does the offspring of a boxspring plaything, a man who came from nothing become a man who came on everything?” lol.
Of course, I nearly closed my computer and gave up when her shitty stepsister appeared:
The runaway favorite for worst character in the show. Don’t fucking cast someone covered in tattoos for a musical set in 1769. She’s not even trying. This is your big break, lady! Liven up a bit!!
I really thought it couldn’t get any worse. But then this dude appeared:
WHAT was going on with his voice? Dude could barely speak. If he’s deaf, I apologize. Seems like a bold choice to cast a deaf guy in a musical–even if it’s a porn parody–but I’m an equal opportunist. Regardless, that was the final straw for me. I’m not watching it. I’ll keep my porn and love of musicals separate.