Get A Load Of This Record Breaking Man-Eating Snake Straight Out Of Florida Or Greek Mythology

FLORIDA – Snake hunters caught a 17-foot-1-inch python in the Florida Everglades, the largest captured so far under the South Florida Water Management District’s python elimination program. The 132-pound Burmese python was caught early Friday at the Big Cypress National Preserve. The hunters said it was much larger when they initially wrangled it. “That snake could pretty much kill any full-grown man. If that snake was alive right now it would probably take like three of us to be able to control that snake,” python hunter Jason Leon said of the record-breaking serpent. Leon noted the Burmese python is devastating wildlife in the Everglades with its uncontrollable appetite.

Annnnddddd see ya’ later, Sunshine State!

Hey Erika, Jackie, and Jawan, I think it’s about time we wipe those smug as shit smiles off your faces. This isn’t funny. This isn’t a game. This shark snake, swallow you whole. Little shakin’, little tenderizin’, an’ down you go. Hell, that’s not even a snake. That’s a purebred DRAGON found just chillin’ in your hometown. Quit giggling and start grabbing torches, pitchforks, and clubs. If there’s anything that should start a real life Whacking Day*, it’s the threat of this monstrosity’s relatives slithering down the streets.

Overall it’s just another excuse to stay weary of the entire state outside of Disney where it’s so magical you can not be declared dead. This creature straight out of the Cretaceous period here is simply another reason why Florida can’t have nice things. You already have to deal with drunken rednecks standing their ground, meth heads who turn into the infected from 28 Days Later, and old Del Boca Vista folk beating your ear off about how the early-bird special is too late in the day. Now you gotta watch out for burmese pythons in backyards that require 3 grown men with GED’s to tackle. No thank you. Not to mention the other reptiles wandering freely throughout the ecosystem. How about this dinosaur being the cock of the walk across the course on the way to film it’s next shitty Sci-Fi movie? Nope. One burst of speed from that monster and it’s game over.

“Get next to it for perspective?” Yeah Dave, quit being a pussy and get closer to the thing straight out of the Cretaceous Period. If Chief Brody could give a “Foreground my ass” in response to going out on the stern of the Orca, then Dave is allowed to stay put.

PS – Whacking Day was one hell of a Simpsons episode. RIP Barry White.