Papa John Initiates Democratic Wave: Your 2017 Election Roundup

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Those of you who are not well steeped in the world of political punditry may not have been an aware that there was an election happening this past Tuesday. Contrary to popular belief, elections are not only held every four years — in off years between Presidential elections, dozens of Americans head to the polls to elect governors, state legislators, and internet comments section sheriffs.

It is no coincidence that Democrats were able to capture a slow of impressive electoral victories the same day that Twitter expanded its character limit to 280 characters. Invigorated by their newfound ability to reply to Donald Trump’s tweets with twice the firepower, Democrats were out in full force in Virginia, New Jersey, and in local races throughout the country.

In Virginia, Lieutenant Governor and pediatrician Ralph Northam handily defeated a sentient Outkick the Coverage comments section, leading to a wave of unexpected legislative victories down-ballot. Buoyed by his electric sexual charisma, Northam deftly dodged accusations late in the campaign that he had pledged allegiance to MS-13 as a young boy navigating the streets of San Salvador. The recent enfranchisement of released felons likely played a small part in helping Northam and other Democrats in Virginia cruise to victory, yet troops who forget to register are still forbidden from voting, thanks a lot Obama.

Former Goldman Sachs banker and Ambassador to Germany Phil Murphy easily cruised to victory in New Jersey, securing access to the most well-stocked snack drawer of any governor’s office in the country. All was not lost for defeated GOP candidate Kim Guadagno, who dropped a considerable amount of weight over the course of the campaign running away from Chris Christie’s shadow. Arguably overshadowing the election itself was Chris Christie getting into a verbal altercation with a constituent while voting in his hometown of Mendham, NJ. It is clear that he has completely abandoned his responsibilities as governor in order to fully transition to prepping for his post-gubernatorial role as an angry WFAN caller.

In perhaps the least contested major election in the country, Bill DeBlasio easily won re-election as mayor of New York City. DeBlasio was opposed by one of the extras from My Big Fat Greek Wedding on the Republican ticket and the independent candidacy of former NYC detective/Arby’s spokesman/subway rapper Bo Dietl. His GOP opponent was defeated soundly throughout the five boroughs, with the exception of Staten Island, where she carried voters who believe the main problem in New York is that cops don’t shoot enough people. Dietl’s base of retirees who believe that Pawn Stars is prestige TV was unexpectedly lethargic on election day and he was only able to amass a few thousand votes.

It is clear to anyone with any grasp of American politics that the blame for the GOP’s trouncing can be firmly placed on the shoulders of Papa John Schnatter. After years of meticulously tracking which NFL players were standing for the national anthem and which restaurant chains were no longer saying Merry Christmas, having to determine which 2 for 1 pizza special would most effectively own the libs finally become too confusing for culture warrior conservatives, leading to depressed turnout in key races throughout the country.

Perhaps reading the writing on the wall, Republican New Jersey Congressman Frank LoBiondo announced his retirement, leading to speculation that a wave of Republican retirements in Congress could be on the horizon. Massive retirements could lead to a fierce battle between newly unemployed Republicans over who gets to argue with Van Jones on CNN and which third-tier former pols will be relegated to Mike Cernovich Periscopes and filming YouTube videos in Prison Paul’s apartment.