Friday Fan Fiction: Chris Christie Goes To Jamba Juice
Before we begin, allow me to set the scene. Make sure you press play on the song before you start reading.
The year is 1981. Dianna Ross and Lionel Richie’s smash hit Endless Love is sweeping the charts for weeks on end. It’s obvious to tell why. Their chemistry in song is unparalleled. It was truly an incredible time. Ballads were sweeping the nation. With ballads, the heart soars. Traffic jams don’t seem so bad when you can sing along with some of the greats.
Because of the song’s success, romance was on the forefront of everyone’s minds. It was like you were constantly searching for a partner for couple skating at your favorite skating rink. Lumps in throats, folks.
Young Chris Christie was no different. This young stud was the star of the baseball team. He was trim, athletic, and had the strongest of cheekbones. In fact, young ladies would pine for his Louisville slugger. Talkin cock, yall.
One night after Chris Christie went deep, (Talkin longball, not sex) he decided to celebrate by heading down to a new local stop called Jamba Juice. Chris glided into the shop with wallet in hand. He had heard that the juices were healthy and that he could drink as many as he wanted without any consequences of weight gain or adult-onset diabetes. It started with the classics.
He was downing Aloha Pineapple® Smoothies, Banana Berry™ Smoothies, Razzmatazz® Smoothies, and buddy, he could not get enough of the Strawberry Surf Rider™ Smoothies. Who could blame him, though? The Surf Rider, after all, is what the peaches are meant for. Chris enjoyed some peaches teaching strawberries how to surf on an ocean of lemonade next to beaches made of lime sherbet. It’s radical. It’s addicting. It delicious. It’s Jamba Juice at it’s finest.
Chris was there multiple times a day. Duh. Days turned into weeks. Weeks turned into months. Months turned into years which had flown by, and Chris Christie was now Governor of New Jersey. Not only that, but Gov. Christie was once a close comrade of the President.
You might be wondering why I said once was instead of is. Well, truth be known, one time the President forced Chris to eat some meatloaf.
“But Chaps, why is that so bad? The White House uses only locally produced meats and veggies. I’m sure the meatloaf was wonderful.”
Oh. There’s no question about that, dear reader. The flavor town must have been more like a flavor city. The problem was that Chris Christie knew the moment that some delicious meatloaf went down his gullet, his 36-year liquid diet of eating nothing but Jamba Juice was over. He had stopped his streak because of Presidential meatloaf. His finely-crafted Jamba Juice FUPA was now in danger of disappearing. The sadness that Chris felt was overwhelming. There’s only one thing that would fix it… Yup. An Açaí Super Antioxidant™ Smoothie is the only thing that will hit the spot.
As he sucked down the last of the delicious smoothie, Chris thought to himself about getting back into the game that he once loved so much. I know what you are thinking. The game is not shutting down bridges during emergencies. The game is baseball and Chris is ready to devote his life to it. Good luck to him and you.
