Google's Cheeseburger Emoji Having Cheese On The Bottom Has To Be A Tough Pill To Swallow For Android Fanboys

Rough day for the Green Text Bubbles of the world. For years tech giants Apple and Google have been battling to be your cell phone dealer. They want your money, your brand loyalty, and probablyyyyyyy every bit of your personal identity as face and fingerprint scanners inevitably become a part of all smartphones. The fan bases on each side were pretty set in their ways. Android users love pointing out every new feature the iPhone came out with by announcing how long ago their Google phones could do that. Apple fanboys (myself included) happily admitted to being slaves to the iPhone because being able to send iMessages from your iMac to your friends is great and having a blue text bubble just makes you feel better about yourself. And of course Apple has always owned the fuck out of Google in the emoji game dating back to Google using emojis that looked like me as their default emojis.

But the times they are a changing. At least in the Casa de Clem. For the first time in my life, I was considering going to Android. Not because I wanted to be a poor green bubble. But because Apple decided to slap my face with a $1000 price tag for the iPhone X. The big changes of a bigger screen and crazy photography editing didn’t really move the needle for me. But being able to make emojis talk was a HUGE selling point for your pal Clem.

But when Wifey Clem casually dropped a “I know you are not spending $1000 on a phone” on me when I brought up the new IPhone and I was stuck because I am not going to disobey the indirect orders of a pregnant woman. But my phone is hurting and clearly needs an upgrade.

However, I called off my search of Android phones is done after seeing that cheeseburger emoji. Cheese on the bottom is the stuff of savages. That’s some kind of barbarian shit you see a chef pull his first day on the job at some greaseball diner. If there is cheese on the bottom of a burger, it sure as fuck be on top of the burger as well. The lettuce and the tomato are a nice courtesy dressing and Apple putting it on the bottom seems weird. But any burger eater worth their salt takes that shit off PRONTO.

Even Google’s CEO knows how much his company fucked this up.

This is the worst thing that Google could have done short of putting a country’s flag upside down. If I can’t respect your cheeseburger emoji etiquette, how can I trust you as a phone company at all? Same goes for hamburger/cheeseburger etiquette.

You can trick me with fancy tech buzz words and commercials. The word megapixel doesn’t make my dick move anymore, but there are still certain features that my common brain hasn’t dreamed of yet that could get me to become an insufferable Android owner. But that day is clearly nowhere close as long as people that would greenlight a cheeseburger emoji with cheese on the bottom are still in power. Yeah I know there are a kabillion Androids in the world and Europeans probably love the fuck out of them. But the iPhone will stay the king in America as long as things like this exist in the world.

P.S. Please grade all my blogs on a curve today. I have been without power since last night, missed the last 4 innings of Game 5, and I am blogging this in my local library sans shower.