Hello, Ladies: Lawyer Arrested For Giving Cologne-Soaked Business Cards To Female Inmates

My goodness. What a romantic. Ever since Orange Is the New Black took over our TVs, the allure of female inmates has reached a new peak. At least that what it is for me. Piper and Ruby Rose’s romance really puts asses in the seats. Maybe our attorney pal is a huge fan of the series and he thinks that the ladies would prefer the scent of a man. Can’t blame him there. Who doesn’t enjoy the rustic musk of a middle-aged, balding and slightly chubby lawyer? You’d be hard-pressed to fill your apple-picking basket with people who don’t love that kinda smell.

It brings us, naturally, to the question of, “What type of cologne was our Romeo supplying?” Well, I have a couple of ideas I’d like to run by you.

1.

When I was younger, I used to bathe in Joop. It’s incredible what Joop will cover. Ball sweat? No problem. Forgot to wash your gym shorts (talkin ass sweat now), not an issue. Joop has you covered. But, some say that Joop can create a Pavlovian response to ass sweat and ball sweat because it’s so often used as a cover to ass sweat and ball sweat. Not good if you are tryin to get a little pen pal relationship going with long distance old school sexting. Letters. Sexy letters. Oh Baby!

2.

Chrome was always my go-to if I was gonna be trying to woo someone. After all, who could resist a fragrance that has, just off the top of my head, top notes of rosemary, pineapple, neroli, bergamot, and lemon; middle notes are cyclamen, coriander, jasmine and oakmoss; base notes are sandalwood, tonka bean, musk, oakmoss, cedar, Brazilian rosewood, and cardamom. Love it! But, at 22 dollars an ounce in bulk, it can be a little pricey to just be distributing throughout the jail cells all willy nilly. Chrome is probably out. Unfortunate!

3.

This is it. This is the one. You soak your business cards in Curve by Curve and you’ll be making it rain with jail houses pornographic letters. The ladies in cell block C will be going nuts over your nuts and dreaming of your sexy scent all 22 hours a day that they sleep.

Being desired, speaking sexually here, is a wonderful feeling. Taking the chance to deliver cologne-soaked business cards is certainly risky; the results are guaranteed to have their ups and downs (alluding to erections going up and down). Sure, you might end up with a couple of lower-level felonies but you might also receive a letter that talks about how a convicted meth user touched her privates thinking about your cologne-soaked business cards. Pretty cool.