The iPhone X's Facial Recognition Technology May Allow Your Phone To Be Unlocked By Your Kids Or Evil Twins/Doppelgangers

Consumerist- When Apple introduced the iPhone X’s new “Face ID” feature — which scans a user’s face to unlock the phone — the company said it had considered the “Evil Twin” scenario. And now, it’s admitting that if you have a twin — or an alternate reality doppelgänger– he or she could totally break into your phone. In its Face ID Security Guide [PDF], Apple notes that the probability of a random person successfully unlocking your phone is about 1 in 1,000,000 — compared to versus 1 in 50,000 for Touch ID. However, the likelihood of a false match is different for twins, as well as siblings who may look like you. And in case there are any kids out there running around with the $1,000 phones, you should be warned that False ID may provide false matches for children under the age of 13, “because their distinct facial features may not have fully developed,” Apple explains.

Jesus Christ, Apple. Are you fucking serious with this nonsense? Your big feature on your fancy new iPhone that is going to throw half of your customers into debt to purchase can be hacked by kids or doppelgangers? What type of evil empire are you? I could see if the big report out of this was that Apple would have a fingerprint and face to go with everyone that has ever owned one of their phones and they were going to use it for their advantage in some extremely illegal way. That’s just how humongous corporations roll. But to make an egregious mistake like this that may cause people not to use facial recognition is terrible. Steve Jobs must be rolling in his grave at how badly Apple fucked up Day 1 super villain shit.

I mean I fit Apple’s target demographic to a tee. I am a slave to anything made by the company and will pay more for features that have been on Android for years (Source: Every Android owner ever the first millisecond you bring up your iPhone). I am buying an iPhone every two years once my contract is up no questions asked. But now I have to think long and hard on it. If my kid can unlock my phone by simply looking at it, I may have to stick with my old, definitely still usable but not fancy as fuck iPhone 6. And once she is able to get into my phone, she can navigate around it no problem and get to YouTube. And once YouTube is open, this is the shit she watches.

There are like a BILLION of these videos on the internet, each with hundreds of millions of views, and the next is worse than the last. I am all for letting my phone watch my kid for me while I am doing stuff. But not that type of mindless nonsense. And trust me, after you hear those peoples’ voice for more than 2 minutes straight, you would rather be forced to watch your kid than actually enjoy life. I don’t care about my kid calling Tokyo and running up a $100,000 bill. But hearing that woman’s voice may be the worst part about being a parent, and that is saying something.

The other problem I have here is that I am a Barstool blogger. And being a Barstool blogger, there is always a chance that my doppelganger will be revealed on Twitter or somewhere else. What if Glen Perkins gets bored during retirement (#RE2PECT), somehow ends up with my phone, and wants to ruin my life since I’ve had his picture as my Twitter avi for years?

Or what if the painting of this random Saint comes alive like Vigo the Carpathian from Ghostbusters 2 and needs an iPhone X to take over the world and he can only unlock my phone?

Or Toon Town is actually a real place and Teddy from Bob’s Burgers wants to tweet fucked up shit while posing as me?

And forget about me. I’m just a faceless foot soldier in the Barstool Empire. What if our fearless leader (of content) gets his phone broken into by a pudgier look alike?

Oh wait, that’s actually him. But what if this guy is looking to extract revenge on Pres once his newspaper empire turned into a multimillion dollar media empire?

Big Cat, host of the planet’s number 1 sports podcast, isn’t safe from any body type or race.

Hank, the producer of said podcast, wouldn’t able to leave his phone unattended near this Dolphins player.

Feits’ potential hacker could be an actor, a woman, or a motherfucking fish.

KMarko could have his iPhone hacked by the two most common pets in our country.

And based on last week’s Tailgate Show, every other person in Iowa looks just like Trent.

Sometimes the pros outweigh the cons. I don’t think I can get an iPhone just based on the safety threat alone.

Just kidding. I am going to buy the iPhone simply because I want to feel like I am better than people that don’t have it. And if we are being honest, this dude completely sold me on the Animoji feature.

P.S. I was trying to find some other classic Barstool doppelgangers, but I think a bunch were taken out by the evil faction known as the DevNest. If you have any classics, make sure to tweet them to me at @TheClemReport.