Barstool’s Champions League Preview – Matchday 2(b) aka The “Christmas Comes Early” Edition

Sam's Army9/27/2017 6:35 PM

Sam’s Soccer Safe Space For Stoolies

Hi haters,

TRUTH. But first let’s get our minds right:

Glorious. Now on to the good stuff…

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CHAMPIONS LEAGUE

Scores from yesterday:

Tables as they stand right now:

And finally the schedule for today:

Wait, wait, wait, wait. Hold up. Hold the fuck up.

DA FUQ YOU DOIN, FOX???

No disrespect to Sporting versus Barcelona, which is a fine game, and if there is a queue for giving metaphorical handjobs to Messi then you best believe I’d be camping out the day before just to make sure I’m first in line…… but deciding to show that over PS-Muhfuckin-G versus Bayern Muhfuckin Munich is just plain embarrassing. Anybody with a brain could tell you that. I’m out here trying to help FOX out and not be overly critical of their programming and coverage decisions when it comes to soccer, but throw me a fricking bone fellas. If you don’t want people to constantly hate on you then don’t do stupid shit like this, please, for the love of god.

I get that EPL clubs are a given and that Real Madrid and Barcelona are almost givens when it comes to choosing what games to show, but this makes no godamn sense for many reasons. First, PSG/Bayern is the most star-studded game of the day, hands down. Second, it should be an exciting game. Third, PSG has been hogging headlines with its free-spending transfer policy. And fourth, perhaps most surprising of all, FOX owns the rights to the Bundesliga, and yet they aren’t going to go with their bread and butter in Bayern? Gtfo.

Moral of the story: FOX gonna FOX.

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Wednesday’s Picks

In silent protest at the braindead idiot who decided not to televise the best game of the day (slightly ahead of the mouthwatering Atletico/Chelsea matchup), let’s start the previewing with that puppy…

PSG [-105]
Bayern [+250]
Draw [+285]

PSG are who you think they are with talent coming out the hoo-ha, but two caveats that are worth bearing in mind: (1) the team has yet to fully gel since adding a number of new faces – Neymar, Mbappe, Alves (even Draxler to a certain extent) – and (2) fitting all those egos into one team is easier said than done, and Unai Emery has yet to prove that he has the ability a la Phil Jackson or even Carlo Ancelotti so successfully coddle the various personalities. The tweenage spate between Neymar and Cavani about taking penalties may have been blown out of proportion by the media, or maybe it wasn’t, but Emery’s response to it suggests to me he may not be the right guys for that job.

Bayern, on the other hand, are also who you think they are but one year older, and have looked it at times so far during a season in which they have been surprisingly hit and miss – particularly on the road. Keep that in mind if you are questioning why the bookmakers are offering such attractive odds for Ze Germans. The Bavarians are coming off a lethargic 2-2 draw at the weekend against Wolfy, in which anyone watching closely could not help but wonder if Arjen Robben and Frank Ribery, though finally healthy at the same time, may have lost half a step, if not a little more. So flying, they are not, but they also have plenty of stand-ins ready to pick up the slack in James Rodriguez and Kingsley Coman.

Hard not to give a slight edge to PSG in this one but both teams are going to create chances so if Neymar isn’t 100%, a possibility since he sat out this past weekend’s game, I’m taking Robert Lewandowski over Edison Cavani in a battle of deadliness 101 times out of 100. Is that an oversimplification? Of course, but my point is that the magnitude of the edge that PSG has is in my estimation vastly overstated by the odds on offer. So from a strictly bean-counter perspective I’m going with a fun, lively 2-2 draw.

Time keeps on ticking ticking ticking… into the future

CSKA [+400]
United [-140]
Draw [+260]

Club from central England won a hard fought game on the road on Saturday but has now had to travel back home then hop on a flight to Mother Russia for a midweek Champions League game. Sound familiar? I bet it does to Liverpool fans. Is United’s dick just a little bit bigger? Time to find out.

Some stats may say otherwise but I am not a big fan of United’s backline. I assume Dear Leader Jozay will go with the combination of Nemanja Matic and Ander Herrera (deputizing for injured Pogba) in midfield, which is pretty damn solid, and I like Eric Bailly. Everything else – Blind, Young, Lindelof, Smalling – is pretty meh for me (though De Gea is one helluva insurance policy).

Given the defensive setup, hard to imagine a lot of goals in this one. 1-0 win for United seems like the obvious answer, but because I love Liverpool fans too much to disrespect their genitalia like that I’m going with a rather lackluster 1-1 draw.

No really, its ziss big around. I swear it.

Atletico [+110]
Chelsea [+260]
Draw [+220]

THE DIEGO COSTA BOWL!

If you don’t think Costa has been trying pull some mental warfare BS behind the scenes this week then you just don’t know my guy Diego. Texting Hazard about how slippery the new field is at the Wanda Metropolitano, and about how he better be careful on his niggly ankle. Making burner twitter accounts and DM-ing Willian about how he knows a dude who’s sleeping with his wife. Sneaking into Tony Conte’s office and taking dumps on his desk. You name it, Diego Costa is probably doing it this week.

Chelsea’s weaknesses are up top, where Alvaro Morata has done a good job so far but I’m still not sold on him being able to singlehandedly pick up the slack for Costa, and a lack of depth that injuries will only become obvious as the season progresses. Pedro is out but they’ve got just enough guys to make it word for now.

(“No way he goes with three straight draws. No way, there’s just no way his balls are big enough to do it” –you, right now)

Truth be told they are probably not but I’m going it anyway… 1-1 draw.

WHO PEED IN MY CHEERIOS?!

A few more random picks (because the more I toss out there the better than chances I eventually get one right):

• Celtic got their dick kicked in by PSG last time out at home. Desperate times call for desperate measures, and there’s nothing like a drunken, angry, desperate Scottish person. (True story.) Sorry Anderlecht, Celtic to win 2-1.

• Juventus got absolutely overrun by Barcelona last time out but up against an OIympiacos that is also backed up against the wall. Smells like a tough one but these are the games The Old Lady always wins… Juve to win 2-0.

• LOCK OF THE MIDWEEK: Roma eked out a draw against Atleti last time out but faced with a group that includes Simeone & Co. as well as Chelsea, a win against the group minnows in Qarabag is a must. Roma to win 2-1 on early goals from Manolas and Dzeko.

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Reminder: got another biggggggggg slate tomorrow. Just kidding, it’s Europa.

DAYS IN JAIL for @BarstoolSam: 38 and counting