Who The Hell Let Ben Simmons Play Full Court Pick Up Basketball With A Bunch Of Aussie Scrubs?

GREAT. That would be some delightful news to hear the Sixers future Magic Johnson shattered his shit playing a 5-on-5 pick up game with a bunch of Australian cubical monkeys. He’s obviously taking it easy and I don’t mind him going slam jam ham on everyone in sight, but it’s just…unnecessary. You never know if one of these guys is coming off a tough day/week/life. All it takes is one angry bloke to play hero ball and end every Philadelphian’s future and reason for living.

But there’s more than meets the eye here than simply Simmons’ health (no, there’s not, but let’s just pretend there is). Bennie’s gotta be mature enough to leave the YMCA heroes alone to suck in peace. Of course Croc Didgeridoo from some Aussie PR firm doesn’t stand a chance vs the 2016 #1 overall NBA pick. Let us average folk have our little pick up games to ourselves to hold onto the glory days as much as possible. Those sad saps were probably kings of the honkey courts till the NBA and real life Thoroughbred came through and remind everyone their lives are worthless. Rec league basketball is our place where legends are self proclaimed and the ball is rarely passed. Professional athletes should just let us have our safe space to airball within 5 feet of the rim, in peace.

That goes for you too, Todd Gurley. No need to make some poor guy’s knee somehow go East and West at the same time.