Handsome Fella Gave Mouth-To-Mouth To A Fucking Turtle For An Hour

A pet owner saved his drowning tortoise’s life after giving it the kiss of life for an hour. John Fletcher found 45-year-old Freda at the bottom of his garden pond limp and looking dead.

Mr Fletcher started performing CPR – and gave the animal mouth to mouth resuscitation. Middle-aged “big lady tortoise” Freda lives with her owner at his home and has free rein of the back garden.

The amateur astronomer has built an observatory in his back yard in Gloucester, and often spends hours gazing at the stars.

Now, I gotta be careful here. Sure, everyone knows that Barstool is an edgy website. Hell, that’s what gives us our edge, but that doesn’t mean I can be playing fast and loose with turtle hate. Turtle hate is such a hot topic in the streets right now that I’m gonna tread water lightly on this blog unlike this piece of shit turtle who damn near drowned her 45-year old reptilian ass in a backyard pond like a novice swimmer.

Despite my poignant last sentence, I don’t blame Freda for drowning. We’ll all drown someday. It’s part of life. I wouldn’t be doing my job if I didn’t mention that Mr. Flecther is a god damn weirdo. Look. The turtle came back to life. That’s wonderful. I’d venture to say that 999 times out of 1000, you don’t get Freda to come back alive. Then what? What are you gonna do when your neighbor Bobby Barefoot catches you on his nanny cam trying to give a turtle mouth-to-mouth for an hour? What will the neighbors think? You know Bobby will be telling everyone like he always does. Shit, he’d probably start a rumor that vaguely suggests that you’re a turtle fucker. Once that rumor gets out, good luck shoving it back in its shell. Wont happen.

I’ve been thinking about it, and I think that the longest you can give a turtle mouth-to-mouth is about 8 minutes. Under 5 minutes of mouth-to-mouth and you’re just doing it for show. Over 10 minutes and you’re a weirdo. You puff and blow to the BeeGees for 8 minutes on your pet turtle whomst you found dead in your backyard pond after a late night of stargazing and you’re a hero in the pet turtle owner world. Glad that is settled.

You’re welcome.

PS. I hope this blog goes to show you that we arent going too politically correct. Lots of people will be upset that I called this tortoise a turtle. Dont care. Again, edgy.