A Three-Front War On Syria, Russia, and Iran Is Just What The United States Needs to Rebrand
For more hard-hitting political insight you won’t get on cable news, follow @_tummysticks on Twitter
On Sunday June 18th, a Syrian Air Force Su-22 fighter-bomber struck U.S.-backed local forces in northern Syria, and A U.S. Navy Super Hornet Clapped Back With This Epic Response That You Won’t Believe. In response to the shoot down, Russia issued a warning that it would consider all U.S. planes west of the Euphrates River as valid targets.
Cable news national security pundits — the leading field of employment for people who once had a security clearance— have warned that with tensions in Syria escalating, we could soon experience a Franz Ferdinand moment that would bring the U.S. to the brink of another world war. This is obviously dire news for just about everyone except for Raytheon shareholders and the actual band Franz Ferdinand, who will take their uptick in Google searches any way they can get them.
The current situation in Syria is obviously incredibly complicated; to fully explain all the involved parties would take far too long, but there are countless incomprehensible graphics floating around the internet that attempt to do so. What’s important to know, is that an escalation of tensions in the region could cause the United States to find itself involved in a large-scale conflict in the region against Syria, Russia, and Iran, with a variety of non-state actors in the mix.
But would a war in the Middle East against Syria, Russia, and Iran really be the worst thing? The wars in Iraq and Afghanistan are almost old enough to have reached the age of consent (just checking to see if El Pres actually reads these things). For a while the country was very invested in these wars, following along their favorite characters like Generals Petraeus and McChrystal and their zany friends Hamid Karzai and Jalal Talabani. But as the wars enter their 16th season and the cast of characters is changing faster than anyone can keep up — credit where credit is due for bringing back Jim Mattis in an entirely different role to keep some continuity — Americans have just lost interest in Iraq and Afghanistan.
Anyone with a friend who uses Instagram way too much knows, there is nothing more important than your personal brand. And right now, two old wars that everyone is tired of are killing America’s brand. Don’t get me wrong, the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan had a lot of positives; they forced people to learn the difference between a Shi’a and a Sunni, Brian Williams finally got some combat experience, and everyone got the “quagmire” question right on the SATs. But if America wants to keep up with all the hot new countries coming onto the scene, it needs to re-invent its personal brand with a fresh new war that will get people talking.
With a new Rocky movie out last year and a Dirty Dancing remake on ABC, the 80s are experiencing a revival in pop culture. What better way for the U.S. to capitalize on this renewed interest than to bring back two of the most famous bad guys from the 1980s, Russia and Iran. Who didn’t love old school villains like Leonid Brezhnev and Ayatollah Khomeini? (Fun fact, Khomeini literally translates to “lots of promiscuous women” in English, pretty ironic for the leader of a theocratic state).
When Donald Trump promised to Make America Great Again, he was pretty obviously referring to his own sexual Vietnam, the 1980s. A full-fledged conflict with two familiar faces would not only help America rebrand itself in the mold of what it was in the 80s — a nation led by strong, young, virile men — but it would also be an incredible boon for ratings. If Trump thought people loved it when he had the balls to fire Lil Jon, he won’t be prepared for the adulation he’ll receive as he dons a World War II style helmet and orders the 1st Marine Division to march on Tehran.
Wars in the Middle East bring Americans together like hating Lena Dunham or the re-release of the McRib. Most Americans over 30 have fond memories of cheering on the invasion of Baghdad and publicly decrying the Dixie Chicks as treasonous scum. It’s time that those too young to remember the early 2000s get to experience what it is that makes America great. Nothing says America quite like families across the heartland, huddled around the TV, watching Wolf Blitzer describe the majesty of a Tomahawak Land Attack Missile.