Tom Brady's China Visit is the Best Thing for America
I know Tom Brady is in China to promote Under Armour. And while I certainly respect the goal to introduce $200 Athlete Recovery Sleepwear with bio-ceramic print and far infrared energy to the Chinese in sort of reverse Marco Polo, there is a much more important element to this visit. Making it probably the most important diplomatic mission in the history of the world.
As I’ve been saying for months now, China means is not messing around. They are playing for keeps. And they’re testing the West by showing what they’re made of. Whether it’s putting pole dancers outside in -50 degree temperatures or Kung Fu masters towing helicopters with their dicks, they’re making regular displays of their toughness and fortitude. And we ignore them at our peril.
So what’s the best strategy? Show them American manhood at its best. They already think we’re a collection of misfits. Lazy, bloated, uneducated, decadent capitalists, putting on our cowboy hats and driving our monster trucks to gorge on Buffalo Wild Wings while listening to Uncle Kracker. Hell, their next door neighbor/client state North Korea just got a visit from Dennis Rodman. I shudder to think what he makes them think of us.
Well if there’s one thing Communists respect, it’s power. Khrushchev pushed JFK to the brink of war in Cuba because he saw him as a lightweight playboy rich kid. Gorbachev backed down to Reagan because he thought he was a trigger-happy cowboy and because Rocky beat Ivan Drago in Moscow. It’s history.
So wait until they get a load of the finest specimen of our masculinity. A handsome, athletic Alpha Male, more impressive than the wall he’s throwing tight spirals on. The embodiment of the great American success story who came from nothing, rose to greatness through hard work to start a dynasty that ranks right up there with the Ming. A man who will have the women of China sitting on towels, but only has eyes for his incredible immigrant wife. And just to totally intimidate them he brought along his kids to show that we are developing a race of genetically perfect superbabies. As long as he’s what they think American men are like, I don’t think we’ll have to worry about trouble from China for a while.