Grading the Newest Sex Scandal Teacher

New York – A teacher’s aide working at an upstate New York school for children with special needs has been arrested for allegedly having sex with a 15-year-old student in a park.

Alexandra Culhane, 24, was taken into custody on Monday and charged with felony rape and criminal sex act stemming from a suspected sexual encounter with the teenage boy a year ago.

According to Prosecutor John Carson, Culhane, who worked at The School at Northeast in Schenectady, engaged in oral sex and sexual intercourse with the victim in early April 2016 in the city’s Central Park. …

The allegations against Culhane first came to light last year, when some of her colleagues at the school learned of her alleged tryst with the 15-year-old.

If you’re familiar with the noble pursuit of grading Teacher Sex Scandals, then you know that nothing can derail an otherwise hilarious and uplifting story of teenage sex with an older woman faster than two words: Special needs. It’s just fraught with peril. Gray areas on top of gray areas. Because it’s one of those terms that has a lot of meanings now. Today’s “special needs” is not the “special needs” from when you and I went to school. It gets used to describe everyone from a kid with an I.E.P. who maybe takes meds to help him focus, all the way up to someone with severe disabilities. It’s a big tent now.

And where Alexandra Culhane’s 15-year-old park buddy falls on what educators like to call “the spectrum” is the difference between this being a lighthearted romp we can ridicule and a dark, grim, descent into madness that is no fun at all. Somewhere there’s a line on that spectrum that ought not be crossed. Unfortunately we’ll never know the full story about this particular SPED kid. So we’ve got to go with what we know.
The Grades:
Looks: This is some terrible timing on Alexandra’s part, coming right after a few tremendous SST smokes. There might have been a time she’d look OK. Not that she’s hideous, mind you. She kind of reminds me of the new companion in this season of Doctor Who. But in comparison to her recent competition, she’s like Baywatch coming out right after Wonder Woman.
Grade: C

Moral Compass/Bad Judgment: Ordinarily there’s not much more I need to go on than outdoor sex and blow jibbers in Schenectady Central Park to make this an easy A. And if her title was Math Teacher or Gym Teacher, I’d give her the grade and be done with this. But I’ve still got a lot to account for. I doubt this kid is like Corky from Life Goes On. But what if he has serious issues? I can’t be responsible for giving a good grade for that. It’d be monsterous. So all I can do is kick the can down the road with a
Grade: Incomplete

Intangibles: When evaluating a Sex Scandal special needs Teacher you should apply the same standard Robert Downey Jr. talked about in Tropic Thunder for winning an Oscar. “Forrest Gump. Slow, yes. Retarded, maybe. Braces on his legs. But he charmed the pants off Nixon and won a ping-pong competition. That ain’t retarded. Never go full retard.”
Grade: A

Overall: Incomplete. Sorry. I feel bad about it, but my hands are tied.

Do you have someone you want to see graded? Tweet her to me @jerrythornton1 or email me at jerry@barstoolsports.com. Your service to the betterment of mankind will be its own reward.