Florida Man Shoves 15-Quarts Of Oil Down His Britches And 30 DVDs With A Detective Watching

Detective Phil Ryan happened to be parked outside a 7-Eleven in North Lakeland on Thursday afternoon when he witnessed what may be the greatest feat known to mankind involving a pair of jeans, 15 quarts of oil and 30 DVDs.

As he sat in his unmarked patrol car, parked directly in front of the oil section of 7-Eleven, he observed as William Jason Hall, 38, went to work. Video released by the Polk County Sheriff’s Office shows Hall managing to jam 15 quart-sized bottles of oil into his pants, along with 30 “Treasure Hunt!” DVDs — one of which was “Lassie: Best Friends Are Forever” — as Ryan watched through the glass walls.

Ryan waited for Hall to make his great escape before he confronted him. The video shows Hall waddling out of the door with an unnatural, yet deliberate gait, all the while holding his waistline to ensure his spoils — and his pants — didn’t come crashing down before he got to his car, which was parked directly next to Ryan’s.

Good lord, man. I understand stealing in certain situations. Like if you are a young man living in a socially repressive society where it’s a struggle to get on your feet. If you and your monkey are hungry, sometimes you have no choice but to eat some bread, steal some apples, and take your chances.

This Florida Fella had probably been told that he was a worthless street rat. Due to his mental state, he shoved 15-quarts of oil and some of cinemas’ finest work down his britches. Can’t blame him. Have you ever seen Lassie: Best Friends Forever? That shit’ll make you cry your ass off. Ugly cry too. You know that dog loves her best friend. It makes you think of your best friend whom you haven’t seen in years. Sad, yet touching.

The embarrassment that you must feel when you are unloading your Mary Poppins Head Ass Jeans in front of the detective must be so intense. I mean, it’s oil and cheap D-level DVDs.

Brightside: the detective knows you change your oil yourself which gets your brownie points to some dudes. Not me. I fuck around on Twitter while they change my oil. I know that none of you do that. Hell, yall probably never even use the internet because you’re so tough. Manly!

Anyway, if you’re gonna fill your pants with something at the gas station, it’s gotta be beef jerky and red bull. At least both of those are aphrodisiacs.