The Sims Mobile Is Coming To Ruin All Productivity And Humanity As We Know It

Uproxx – It’s easy to forget that at the turn of the century, The Sims was probably the biggest video game in the world. The human aquarium/open world torture simulator has gotten progressively, and disturbingly, more realistic over the years, but it’s also mostly stayed on PCs. Until now, apparently. Yes, the two things The Sims lacked to completely consume your life — namely the ability to put it in your pocket and push notifications — are finally being added with The Sims Mobile. This doesn’t appear to be a free-to-play money grab; rather, it looks to be a full-fledged game where you build your Sims, and then breed them like hamsters to create adorable children who will grow up and then be bred in kind, provided the game doesn’t allow you to seal up the pool and leave them to their watery fate.

There goes EA Games releasing an absolute game/world changer. And I’m not too sure how to feel about it. I’m all about spending hours upon hours distracting myself from reality, but this may be a little too much. Like, one of those rooms in Inception where people get hooked up to dream for years too much. The Sims on your phone is essentially a mobile Trojan Horse that’ll ruin real lives. This game ranks up there with the likes of Sim City, Civilization, Age Of Empires, and Roller Coaster Tycoon as franchises that you can legitimately called CRACK because they’re so addicting. One minute you’re buying your first lot of land to get started and all of a sudden you’re 22 hours in on your 2nd kid, 3rd job, and 4th relationship – 3 of which ended because their outright virtual WHORES who can’t keep their pixels in their pants and the 4th got a visit from the Grim Reaper because they forgot to eat (women, amiright?). And that’s when you had to play on a computer where you had to physically move away from the game to avoid hallucinations and bedsores. Now there’s no stopping you from creating that life you’ve always wanted but will never get, 24/7. And for free? No bueno.

Fuck it. Most people, like myself, need their second lives because they’re better and more fulfilling than their first. At least it will be a reality where I’ll eventually be able to afford a homeowner. Not everyone is Dwight Schrute where you create a second life because you first is so awesome.