Trump, Who Is President, Has A Button On His Desk Strictly For Ordering A Coke

Fox News — While no president ever actually possessed a “red telephone” specifically for summoning Moscow at a moment’s notice (the government actually used a teletype system), there is an equally ominous red summoning device upon our current president’s desk.

It’s not a direct line to Moscow, though: It’s just how he orders a Coca-Cola.

According to the Associated Press, President Trump keeps a tiny buzzer on his desk that summons a White House butler whenever he’s in need of a fizzy drink.

Probably my biggest regret from back in the glory days when I had Robbie Fox as my intern who has since transformed into Octagon Bob is not having a button I pushed to summon him to bring me a Coke. Huge, yuge regret. How dumb am I and how smart is Donnie. Of course he has a red button pushed solely for the purpose of someone instantly bringing him a Coke. Like there’s another human being on the other end of that button whose entire life is waiting for Donnie to hit the button so he can grab a Coke and sprint his ass into the Oval. It’s beautiful.

What do we think that guy’s setup is? Think he sits in a tiny room with a mini-fridge and an alarm with one hand on the handle, other hand open and ready to grab that Coke? What do we think his record time is? Is it 30 seconds between button push and the Coke in Donnie’s hand? 10 seconds? 5 seconds? If it’s under 30 the Coke dude is close as fuck to the Oval which I have no choice but to respect. Coke guy’s got better real estate than TOP White House officials.

So many questions. Being President would suck for a lot of reasons, but it’s got its perks and this right here is one of the best. You’re not somebody until you’ve got a Coke guy.