Introducing The Barstool Intramural Basketball Team: A Full Squad Breakdown From Coach Nate

Dear Fans,

Allow me to formally introduce myself. My name is Coach Nate, and I am the head coach of the Barstool Purple Starfish intramural basketball team. Owned by David Portnoy and scrapped together by Adam Smith, I am honored to take the helm and command the bench of our first ever basketball team. We have put together a squad of the most elite athletes average bloggers in Manhattan to take on other way-too-white teams from across the city.

Last night, we took the court for the first time as a team in a series of scrimmages to see how we matched up. Now, we were not with our full team, which I will touch on later, but myself and assistant coach Francesca were quite encouraged by what we saw. It especially encouraging because 80% of these guys haven’t done exercise that doesn’t consist of walking to a bar or shoveling entire bags of chips down their throats in a decade.

So without further ado, let me introduce the team and tell you a little bit about each player:

Name: Coley Mick

Position: Tall Guy

Simply put, Coley Mick is our tall guy. He is a big body down low and will fight for rebounds with the rest of the bruisers. However, Coley Mick LOVES playing the point, which from a coach’s point of view is tough because he towers above everyone else on the court. He also has the cardio of a 40 year smoker, but we prefer to say he’s “playing into game shape”, much how Shaq used to do. Coley will be an important part of the squad with his height, decent shooting ability, and accent that only we can understand which will certainly confuse the opposition.

Name: Captain Cons

Position: Hustler

I’m not saying this to be mean, because I love our team and Cons is a vital part. But Captain Cons went 0/100 shooting between pregame shoot-around and the scrimmages. Guy could not buy a bucket.

HOWEVA.

Cons has hustle for days. He’s a lockdown defender. He stood out as a defensive stalwart…aka he’s not afraid to throw a few elbows and mix it up. He will be vital down the stretch in close games and a good energy spark all season. And if worst comes to worst, he’ll just injure the other team’s best player.

Name: Smart Guy Steve

Position: Asian

Smart Guy Steve gets his name because he’s from the nerd floor where they do nerd things. But upset of the century: SGS also balls. He apparently has been playing in a league for the last couple of years, and even sometimes “goes to the gym” to “work out” with “weights”. What a loser, amiright?! On the court, Steve has a solid shot and plays solid defense, and his knowledge of the abacus helps us out late in games as well.

Name: Resnick

Position: White Guy Who Only Shoots 3’s

You’ve heard of Resnick. He is Barstool’s money guy, aka “please stop spending company money on bottle service in Vegas” guy. And he’s our stereotypical “I’m here to shoot 3’s because I’m mayonnaise white and know my limits” player. I love what I saw out of Rezzy yesterday- not scared to pop a shot, and I think even 1 or 2 went in. He’s also in good shape, so he should be an important part of the squad, as making shots is a rather big part of basketball.

Name: Resnick Jr

Position: Agitator In Progress

To be honest, I don’t know what Resnick Jr does in the Barstool office besides the fact he was hired by Resnick, and the same goes for the court. I know he was out there, I saw him playing, I saw him sweating, but I can’t really pick out one thing that he did, good or bad. He’s just under the radar, hustling his ass off. I hope to mold him into an agitator. We have Connor, and I want Little Rez to be another Connor. If you can’t shoot, just be an asshole.

Name: Young Pageviews

Position: White Chocolate

YP was EXACTLY what I thought he would be. He’s every single “short, undersized white guy who dribbles 100 times between his legs and behind his back before launching up an ill-advised 3 pointer” you’ve ever seen. And I wouldn’t want it any other way. Every team needs a YP. He was diving for loose balls in a scrimmage up to 7 when there wasn’t another player within 10 feet of him. He took an elbow to the ribs and flew 20 feet across the floor and got right back up and started playing again. YP’s weakness is he LOVES sprinting down the court after the other team misses a shot, instead of playing point guard like he said he wanted to. Hard to play the point when you’re 90 feet away from the ball, but we’ll work on that. Hopefully his body holds up and makes it through the season.

Name: Office Manager Brett

Position: Trying Not To Fuck Things Up

Much like in the office, OMB is just trying not to fuck things up. The thing I like about Brett is he fancies himself as a superior athlete, but nobody really knows if he is or not. He grew up in the whitest place on the planet, so I’m sure he was considered a good athlete up there, but things might change when he plays against…you know….other people. But Brett was sound with the ball, probably because he has Portnoy’s voice in his head ready to yell at him if he turns it over. He has a decent jumper, solid length, and is so young it won’t take him long to get into shape. Brett has a ton of potential if Portnoy doesn’t murder him before the 3rd game of the season.

Name: Caleb

Position: D1 Quarterback

I knew I had something special in Caleb. You don’t just become a D1 3rd string QB without having athletic ability. And Caleb told me before the game, he has the shoes, he has the shorts, he goes to the gym, he just hasn’t touched a basketball since Nam. The sky is truly the limit for young Caleb. You could tell out there that the game started coming back to him the more he played. He realized he was better than the other team based on athletic ability alone. He didn’t have much of a jumper, but he can attack the rim and play defense, which will be vital for us.

His biggest weakness though?

Stopping to do your hair mid-game is a bit of a problem. We will order stronger hair ties for next week, that’s guaranteed.

Name: Hardo Smitty

Position: Setting Screens

I have never seen someone more infatuated with setting screens in my entire life. When he was in the game, he spent more time setting screens than everyone else combined. When he was on the bench, he must have said “we gotta set more screens away from the ball” no fewer than 100 times. We were playing a scrimmage up to 7 points and Smitty was trying to run the motion offense and 2 man presses. He is though maybe our most solid player. He can shoot sorta, he can rebound sorta, and he can play defense sorta. He is average at just about everything, which is better than everyone else on the team. If everyone else learns to set screens like Smitty sets screens, watch out.

Now, fans of the team, you might be thinking, aren’t you missing someone? Yes, yes we are.

Name: Keith

Position: Bench

The number 1 basketball player in the office was too cool for school to come out last night. This prima donna couldn’t even be bothered to join the team in the preseason. While I respect that he is probably the best player on our team, we cannot have Coley Mick out there sweating gravy while Kmarko is sipping full bodied reds at home. Therefore, Keith will be benched for the first TEN (10) minutes of our opening game next week. Harsh, but fair.

The rest of the office is signed up as well, so it’s possible we will see appearances from Big Cat, Hank, PFT, Cancer, and maybe even Spags and Loud Sean (haha, just kidding).

It should be a fun season, and hopefully they put us in a league with other equally un-athletic idiots who can’t make jumpers. I will provide weekly updates on our progress as a team as we fight to win the championship. I will coach my tail off for our team, our fans, and our city.

Until next time,

Coach Nate