Blacking Out On Monster Energy Drinks And Waking Up At A Gas Station 250 Miles Away Sounds Like A Good Time

Herald Dispatch- A 17-year-old boy reported missing from Lima, Ohio, was found at a Huntington gas station after he drank more than a dozen energy drinks, blacked out and found himself more than four hours from home with no memory of the trip. Deputies were called to the Marathon station off 16th Street Road in Huntington around 12:10 a.m. Tuesday and met with the teenager, a resident of Lima in northwest Ohio, who stated he had no idea how he traveled the roughly 250 miles to Huntington. His last memory, he told deputies, was drinking about 15 to 20 Monster energy drinks before passing out and waking up at the Marathon.

15 to 20 MONSTERS?!? Jesus H. Christ, kid. I don’t know who this 17-year-old is, but I do know I he is somebody I do NOT want to fuck with. Someone that willingly hammers down more than a dozen Monsters in a day and will let the chips fall where they may is someone that has no respect for their own life or the lives around them. I mean I guess there’s a chance he’s some invincible mutant like Wolverine that can sustain 20 Monsters, but if not, this little stunt probably caused his heart to age 20 years and his piss will glow in the dark for at least a month.

Now I’m sure there will be people out there that said this kid didn’t black out from Monsters. Maybe he got drunk or was up to some typical teenage chicanery that led him 250 miles away from home. But I am going to choose to believe this kid. You know why? Because I too have abused energy drinks. Just the taste of a Red Bull makes me pupils dilate, puts my brain in overdrive, and makes me feel like I have star power in Mario Kart. A few years ago I drank six 5-hour Energy Drinks during a friend’s wedding. I had the time of my life even though it took me about 36 hours to come down from that high. The only downside was my heart beating through my chest for days and most of my memories from the wedding was me supersmooching random people on the dance floor like I was Bugs fucking Bunny from Space Jam.

You know what it’s like into walk to breakfast the next day and look people in the eye that you were jokingly kissing the night before with the passion of a wacky cartoon rabbit? Not fun. So yeah, I don’t think it’s a stretch this kid went a little nutty after going HAM on a case of Monster drinks. Maybe not a full blackout but you know when you hit Fast Forward on your DVR to the fastest speed? That was basically his Monday. I just wish he had a Go Pro somewhere on his body so we could see the trail of bodies that were left in his wake or at least some documented video to piece things together like the Hangover movie. Instead the locals in Lima will have to weave tales to future generations about the 17-year-old that journeyed more than 200 miles from home blacked out on Monster Energy Drinks only to wake up at a Marathon gas station. A modern day Odysseus if you will.

h/t upm