Tyra Banks To Host America's Got Talent + The Time I Auditioned
Variety- Tyra Banks has been crowned the new host of “America’s Got Talent.”
Banks replaces Nick Cannon, who has served as host of “America’s Got Talent” since 2009. Cannon announced last month that he was leaving the show after a falling out with the network over a joke told on a Showtime comedy special.
Tyra Banks is taking over for Nick Cannon as the host of AGT. I don’t really watch this show, but it’s the most syndicated television show in the world, with versions in 58 countries. For some reason, I really enjoyed Britain’s Got Talent and would watch it on Youtube, but AGT always felt watered-down and derivative. Regardless, good for Tyra, one of the most beautiful women of all time. Sure, her forehead is interminable, but I’m willing to look elsewhere.
In a story I missed because I didn’t care, Nick Cannon got canned because of some joke he made on his Showtime special that I’m assuming nobody watched. Regardless of how you feel about Nick Cannon, that’s bullshit. As a comic, it drives me nuts when comedians get into trouble for shit they say on stage. There’s a reason it’s called an “act,” and not “funny truth-presentation.” Take it with a grain of salt. If an actor slapped his wife in a movie, would we blacklist him for being abusive? For sure not. I firmly believe that no topic should be off limits as long as its funny: rape jokes, race jokes, whatever. Of course, Kramer’s meltdown at the Laugh Factory should be a cautionary tale to any would-be standups (that tirade was decidedly NOT funny). By contrast, Louis has done multiple jokes using the n-word, and he gets away with is because it’s funny and intelligent. Proceed at your own risk.
Last year, I auditioned for America’s Got Talent on a whim. It’s quite an experience and provides a stark look at disillusionment in America. There are thousands upon thousands of people who think the audition is like playing the lottery–everybody stands an equal chance of advancing and talent is irrelevant. They think if they just get the right judge, at the right time, it could be there big break. I tried out as a comic. I knew I wasn’t going to win the goddamn show; I thought MAYBE I’d make it to the live shows and it would be a good credit.
The audition was held at Queens College, deep in Queens. I got there at 7:30AM and the line was already like 4,000 people long. They herd you through a series of check-in desks, assign you a number, and then everyone waits in this huge atrium for their group to be called. In this room, a lot of people were either warming up or just doing their acts. The dancers were hanging out together, taking turns dancing to a boombox someone had brought. These guys were INCREDIBLE. I distinctly remember watching them and thinking, wow, that’s fucking intimidating, thank God I’m not trying out as a dancer. Other people were doing vocal warmups, people were applying their makeup or touching up their costumes, and more than a few overbearing parents were comforting their weeping, terrified children.
This was the most insane thing I witnessed. There were a TON of families who had brought their 6-year-old daughter to “sing.” And the whole family would turn out too–aunts, uncles, grandparents, siblings… all there to encourage their little diva-in-the-making. You could see the money signs flashing on the eyes of parents as they presented their meal ticket for registration. I’m sure a few of these kids were actually great, but the majority sucked just like the rest of us. That’s gotta be a harrowing experience, to let down your entire family at that age.
Once my group was called, we were ushered into a classroom with 1 judge. There were about 16 of us, and we each had 1 minute to perform. Most of the people were singers whose abilities ranged from good to horrific. I also remember watching a comically uncharismatic magician perform card tricks. When it was my turn, I did 1 minute of jokes, performing to a room full of people you’re competing against. After everyone had finished, they let us leave but the judge stopped me and one of the singers on the way out. We, apparently, had been passed on to the next round–a 4-minute performance for the producers.
A tech-hand escorted us BACK through the first big room and down a long hallway into a second waiting room. This room was filled with a smaller group of performers, but you could tell these fuckers were legit. The costumes were amazing, the gymnasts were super athletic, and in place of the nervous energy I’d observed earlier was a confident sense of belonging. These people knew they were good.
After a time, we were individually called into a room with a real stage, the AGT backdrop curtain, a ton of cameras, and some powerful lights. Facing me was a long table of producers. I took my mark, answered a few questions, and did a 4-minute set to tepid, occasional laughter. Kinda reminded me of my Barstool Idol audition.
In the end, I wasn’t passed to the live shows, but I didn’t expect to be. In that second audition, I did a couple sex jokes that wouldn’t have played well on NBC. Or maybe I just sucked, who knows. I look back on my AGT audition as an interesting cultural field trip where I learned a lot about our country. Sure, we have a ton of talented people, but that group is vastly outnumbered by those who have lost touch with reality.