Lenten Sacrifices Are Nonsense

First, let me say that I don’t mean that the idea that giving up candy for a little over a month will grant you god’s good grace and sneaking a Sour Patch Kid in March will award you eternal damnation is nonsense. That’s not what I mean by it’s “nonsense.” If you’re one of the adults who actually believed that then I’m sorry to burst your bubble, but you’re kinda the 5th grader who still thought Santa put the presents under his tree.

Now, I admit my grasp on Catholicism is tenuous at best. Sure, I went to Catholic school and all that good stuff, but I also took biology and calculous at that school, and I don’t know shit about those things either. But, from what I understand, the idea of lent is to show something of a solidarity with Jesus’ not drinking water or eating bread for 40 days. Well guess what? That’s because dude was in the desert and didn’t have access to those things. If Jesus woke up one morning and there was a glass of water next to him then guess what? He was gonna drink the hell out of that shit. That’s just a fact. So why should I sacrifice something I have easy access to just because Jesus didn’t?

Think about it like this, if Jesus was an alcoholic (and it’s not out of the realm of possibility. He loved a hooker and his BAC is 100%, after all) and he came over for dinner, are you not gonna drink a beer just because he can’t? Hell no, that would be outrageous. I’m supposed to deprive myself of something I like just because someone else has the inability to enjoy it? Blasphemy!

I’m out on Lent and you should be too.

PS – I’ll admit this spinzone is based on about 50% fact. I concocted it because I was tired of wearing shitty clothes so I spent an hour in the shower yesterday morning trying to find a loophole. It was a level of commitment rarely seen by me. It was one of those showers that lasted so long you gotta keep turning the heat up, I was searching for loopholes like a mergers and acquisition lawyer tying up a billion dollar deal. This is the best I could do. Luckily Pontius Pilate is the judge overseeing the case and apparently he’s got it out for Jesus, so he’s ruling in my favor.