Pakistan Officially Bans Valentine's Day And Owns The Biggest Balls Of Any Country On Earth

ISLAMABAD — A Pakistani judge on Monday banned all Valentine’s Day celebrations in the country’s capital, Islamabad, saying they are against Islamic teachings. The judge ruled on a petition seeking to ban public celebrations of the Western holiday, court official Niaz Saleh said. He said the order had been sent to Pakistan’s media regulator to ensure a blackout on any Valentine’s Day promotions in print or electronic media. The ban applies only to Pakistan’s capital as the Islamabad high court has no jurisdiction beyond the city. The regulator in a statement directed all Pakistani media outlets not to print or broadcast anything that promotes Valentine’s Day. No event shall be held at any official level and at any public place, the statement quoted a part of the court order. Later on Monday, the government issued an order to local police to enforce the court ban. A similar order was in place last year in Islamabad. Islamist and right-wing parties in Pakistan view Valentine’s Day as vulgar Western import.

Finally a civilization with enough nuts to confront the outright hypocrisy of this Hallmark “Holiday”. Sure, it’s for the absolute wrong reasons, but sometimes you get good results from really shitty means. Kind of like how the awful Nazi experiments on humans led to the world understanding the effects of hypothermia (You’re goddamn right I just compared Valentine’s Day to inhumane Nazi experiments. Might be time to relax there, Smith). Regardless, there’s no chance this can go down in this great nation we call the United States. Some ladies here are (for some reason) A-OK with getting completely rid of Planned Parenthood, but God forbid a legitimate court attempt to make Valentine’s Day illegal. There would be a billion-fannie-march on the Capital building in order to save the one sexist day of the year where every woman is obligated to feel special. And here I thought I only had to give Pakistan a tip of the cap because they somehow developed the bomb. Nope. Now they’re only clean water and a safe place to rub one out without risking your hands getting cut off away from being a suitable place to live.

PS – True story of how my morning started out. Happy fucking Valentine’s Day.