"Friday Night Tykes" Episode 2 Recap: Things Gets Nasty on the Field and the Sideline
“Friday Night Tykes” is never better than when it comes down a clash of philosophies. When the battle lines are drawn between those who see youth football as a brutal, blood-soaked hellscape and those poor delusional saps who see it as a funtivity for kids. S:4 E: 2 delivered on that front as well as giving us our weekly dose of horrible parenting. Spoilers, right ahead…
*The episode game right out of the gate on fire, with Outlaws coaches congratulating 7th grader Xion LaGrant for reaching some kind of undefined anniversary with his girlfriend. While his teammates clap for him and assistant coach Marecus “Fuck the Rockets” Goodloe reminds them “It’s cheaper to keep her.” Apparently the alimony laws in Texas are way different than they are elsewhere.
*They then turned their attention to Xion’s teammate Myzel Miller, who’s in the crosshairs because his middle school football coach ratted him out for having a work ethic that’s “garbage.” This is especially a problem since he’s “the face of the franchise” and TV “went to your head.” Which, if true, helps prove the Observer Effect, but sort of ignores the far simpler Calling a 12-Year Old “The Face of the Franchise” Effect.
*Later we meet the Outlaws moms, who enjoy the bonding moment that can only come from football moms sitting down to glasses of wine to talk about the dangers of gold digging hos trying to get their hooks into their sons. One discusses lying to these conniving little middle schoolers by saying her boy “got fixed when he was circumcised.” Then Xion explains how Myzel coached him up on how to get with the ladies. “First you be their friend. Then you mess with them. Then they’ll be like ‘He’s cute’ and give you their number. Then you get with them.” At that point, I was rooting for one of the moms to put down her boxed Chablis and have a talk with them about pre-nups. But I was too focused on how when I was in 7th grade, my most prized possession was a model of the Millennium Falcon.
*We’ve got a storm brewing that is way bigger than the Outlaws and their sex lives (pause a moment while a piece of my soul dies). And that is Venom head coach Corey Jefferson and his assistant Chris “Alpha Male” Davis, who are two very different trains heading in two very different directions on the same track. Jefferson is a casual, laid-back, Type B personality who probably falls asleep at the movies. Davis is a testosterone-filled intensity junkie. How they ended up on the same team in roles that are uniquely unsuited for them is a mystery. But so are many of God’s greatest blessings. And most of your best comedies, which this story line is.
*We got to see Davis line up all of TYFA’s coaches as their commissioner and give them a military style speech about what’s expected of them. And no sooner did he mention showing up early to every game than we got a hilarious shot of Coach Jefferson slowly sauntering his way to the meeting. Later at a practice, Davis, fresh off gasping into a kid’s earhole that if he ever wears his game jersey to practice again, he’ll force the kid to run “until I get tired,” gave Jefferson a piece of pointed advice to which he replied “Yeah, we already discussed that. You must have missed it,” with the kind of weapons-grade condescension that’s outlawed by international treaties. Later in a game against the Rockets, someone asked “Should we punt?” And no sooner did Davis get a “Hell no, we don’t punt!!!” out of his permanently-clenched jaw than Jefferson mutters “Yeah, we punt” as Davis’ blood boiled. He did stop short of challenging Jefferson to whip both their dicks out and measure them against the hash marks, but it’s still early in the season.
*But Chris Davis has another enemy, the one who handed him the business end of that 27-point thrashing. Rockets president Keith Dyson is a preternaturally calm ex-Army officer who personally puts down the chalk lines on his home field with a Zen-like demeanor. Davis talked shit to him before the game because the two have bad blood due to Dyson calling Alpha Guy for being both the commissioner and a coach. Plus he accused the league of costing the Rockets the championship. All of Dyson’s Mr. Miyagi vibe went all Kobra Kai early on in the Venom game when he told his coaches “break their will.”
*A few quick hit highlights:
— Outlaws defensive coordinator Clayton Guillory getting on his kid for being behind the pace of interceptions he was on last year. And when he suspects the kid wasn’t listening to him: “Fuck you.”
–A Rockets coach in an ugly-face rage screaming at his O-linemen for not sustaining their blocks and pushing one over on his ass while the another wipes tears from his eyes.
–Fred Davis driving by Judson High School’s stadium, which he calls “The House of Gods.” Apparently the separation of church and state laws in Texas are way different than they are elsewhere.
–TYFA Radio is actually a thing.
*Maybe my favorite plot thread so far is this season’s breakout superstar QB Jeremy Duran, who last week had to quit the Outlaws because they’re four hours away from his house, trying to sign on with the Houston Seahawks. Only to have the Outlaws tell Mr. Duran he can piss up a rope because they’re not going to release him. “That’s like New England letting Tom Brady go,” says one Outlaws coach. A quick reminder because it bears repeating every minute you watch FNT, Jeremy technically isn’t old enough to watch a PG-13 movie by himself.
*In the inevitable Seahawks-Outlaws matchup that followed, the Outlaws were up 24-0 by the time someone said “We need to put 60 up on the motherfuckers” and head coach Fred Davis added this little piece of perspective: “We’re professionals. … If that means winning by 100 points, we’re perfectly fine with that. And no sooner did he walk right up to Karma like that and give her the old Trump pussygrab, than she answered with the knee to the groin that was Myzel blowing his knee out trying to get garbage time points in a 48-7 blowout.
*Coach Jefferson’s kid, frustrated by getting pushed all over the field,started throwing haymakers at a Venom player, presumably interrupting his dad’s power nap. Davis then proceeded to spend the rest of the 27-0 blowout undermining the head coach to all the assistants. It is coming to a head, and it will be spectacular.
*Finally, we got treated to a preview of Paul and Lori Hurt’s Storm squad, who face the Outlaws next week. I cannot wait. It promises to be a matchup between a squirrel and a car.