Knee Jerk Reactions to the Divisional Playoff: Patriots vs. Texans

REPORT: JJ Watt Did Not Travel With Houston Texans To New England – CBS Local https://t.co/kkCMcDlvWr #Houston #Texas

— Houston Texas (@HoustontexasT) January 15, 2017

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Things to consider while realizing I don’t know what my reaction should be, because I didn’t have JJ Watt on the sidelines to show me:

*As weird as it might sound, having this game be so far from perfect is what makes it perfect. Bill Belichick gets all the benefits of a blowout playoff win without any of the messy, inconvenient flawlessness that the old coach in him hates. He gets to go into the team meeting and show them a game tape that includes an unconscionably dumb, drive-sustaining personal foul penalty on Eric Rowe. Not one but two unforgivable fumbles by Dion Lewis. A Michael Floyd tipped ball leading to an interception and a part of this special offer Brady threw in the second pick for free. Breakdowns on the offensive line. Just a whole week’s worth of teachable moments. And the teaching should be way less “Dead Poets Society” and much more “Whiplash,” just the way he likes it.

*I get the frustration of a lot of Pats fans about this one. For much of the game, it was like last year’s AFC Championship Game and the Super Bowl That Shall Not Be Named had a baby and this was the disgusting afterbirth. Brady was under duress. The Texans were flooding the underneath zones so his usual hot routes weren’t available. He was forced to settle for the long throws and his completion percentage suffered. But if we step out of the Land of Tir Na Nog for a second and into reality, this is a legitimately elite defense they faced. And the Patriots not only put up more points on them than anyone had all year, this was the second most yards Houston had surrendered all year (behind only an overtime game) and the second most passing yards. And did I mention the Pats covered a historically big point spread? So there’s plenty of things in the world worth bitching about. But if we whine about this one being imperfect, we’re no better than a “My Sweet 16” girl crying because daddy gave her the Lexus a day early and ruined the party.

*The turnovers aside, the struggles on offense were more a matter of the Texans being a talented pitcher and Romeo Crennel calling a great game than the Pats not swinging the bats well. He showed them things they hadn’t seen on tape. Like putting Whitney Mercilus at nose tackle to put a swim move on Dave Andrews for a QB hit. Then sliding Jadeveon Clowney in there to beat Andrews with a Paso Doble spin that would’ve gotten a 9 from Len Goodman. Plus he managed to build a wall of beef in some short yardage situations like the goal line stop. Those and the underneath coverages were enough to keep the game close for a while, until the Pats figured it out and started forcing turnovers.

*Which brings us to Brock Osweiler, who was exactly the guy they had on tape. The Brocksucker is the reason you can give up the fewest yards in the league and only the 11th fewest points. He’s somehow managed to combine a longer, slower release than Juan Marichal with the inaccuracy of a CNN intelligence report. And I can’t quantify it, but he just carries himself with demeanor of a guy you’d hate to have leading your huddle. He’s got this sort of disengaged aloofness to him. Like he’s suffering from Low-T or something. Like he could just as easily be playing with earbuds under his helmet, listening to Deathcab for Cutie and reeking of Drakkar Noir.

*And clearly they teach Reading Douchey Quarterback at Rutgers, because the Pats Scarlet Knight contingent feasted on him. Not only did Devin McCourty, Logan Ryan and Duron Harmon pick him off, but McCourty had an interception ripped out of his arms in the end zone. They laughed when Belichick kept drafting guys out of Jersey’s state school, but that place is like the pit where Saurman bred the Uruk-hai, just producing badass defensive backs for him by the thousands.

*The Pats gameplan on defense was a departure from the norm as well. For the first time in forever, they featured a more traditional 4-3 over the nickel base they’ve employing. Dont’a Hightower played mostly on the line as the Sam, with Elandon Roberts and Kyle Van Noy getting the most snaps of their Patriots careers. I guess the logic being that they’d focus on stopping Lamar Miller and take their chances that Osweiler wouldn’t beat them. Sound logic.

*And Rob Ninkovich stepped up with one of his best games of the season. Coming out of his suspension, he might as well have been an ex-girlfriend ghosting us for all you heard from him. But he’s gotten better by the week. He ended the first Houston possession with a sack when the LBs all dropped into coverage and he came outside on a 3-man rush. Later he dropped into the passing lane to get his hands on a ball. Sooner rather than later he’s going to age his way out of that position. But like Brady and Lewis, missing time at the beginning of the year looks good on him.

*Speaking of Lewis, favorite scene in the postgame was him laser focused on his fumbles. Not the historic night where he scored in three different ways. Or the fact that he’d just played his first ever postseason game. Or maybe that the Pats have still never lost a game he played in. Just cleaning up the mistakes. I like the cut of that man’s jib.

*The kick return touchdown didn’t even have the gigantic monster blocks you normally see on one of those. I mean, Shea McClellin, Geneo Grissom and Matthew Slater sealed some defenders off, but no one got lit up. It was just Lewis slipping one tackle and then pressing R and the left D-Pad button to get the Mario Kart turbo boost. That plus he’s running between the tackles with power. I don’t know how you gameplan to stop what he can do.

*I’ll admit the Pats caught a huge break when Will Fuller V dropped that sure touchdown over Malcolm Butler. Osweiler doesn’t make many perfect throws and that squandered one of the few. I bet Will Fullers I-IV and all the future Will Fullers VI-X yet unborn wish he’d change his name.

*It never fails. Every single time I see Bill O’Brien, I obsess over his chin dimple. It’s a perfect triangle. And, I think, the source of all his power. Like the second Arc Reactor Tony Stark built in “Iron Man 2.” It’s mesmerizing.

*What’s it going to take for Pete Morelli to decide it’s time to hang up the whistle? Earlier in the year, he gave a penalty call to the wrong side of the stadium with his back to the TV cameras. This time he completed cocked up that call when Ryan returned the fumble but there was a penalty but the penalty was for the Patriots running onto the field because the play was over but it wasn’t and there was no penalty. Or something. We don’t know because he didn’t mention who’s ball it was. He might as well have been Grandpa Simpson, talking about how he used to wear an onion on his belt and nickels had pictures of bumblebees on them. I swear next year he’ll be taking the field with a Hurrycane and still be doing playoff games.

*When Martellus Bennett’s knee buckled, I had an out of body experience. And when he came back in, I decided we don’t appreciate enough how he is tougher than a week old bagel. Pay dat man hees moneee.

*This week’s Applicable Movie Quote: “Looks like we just had our glitch for this mission.” – Tom Hanks, “Apollo 13”

*All things considered, Brady had a phenomenal game throwing deep balls. Minus two of his better upfield targets in Gronk and Malcolm Mitchell, he made some great back shoulder throws to Julian Edelman and Chris Hogan. He jumpstarted the offense in the 3rd with that 18-yard strike where Hogan was running a Scat route, meaning he reads the coverage and if it’s Man, he breaks away from the defender, but it was Zone so he broke back toward the QB and Brady anticipated it. He had that sequence where he lobbed a perfect parabola to Edelman on the sidelines and then laid it in with AJ Bouye on him.

*Possibly Brady’s best throw was the touchdown to James White. He motioned Edleman to the strong side where he and White ran a 2-man combo where White went deep on an H-wheel and Edelman ran a shallow cross under him. Brady read Benardrick McKinney on White and laid it in perfectly.

*But my favorite had to be the scramble where the protection gave him the time to sit back and point to where he wanted Mintron to go. He was a like a guy controlling a drone with a remote, except Edelman was way more responsive.

*That first pick by Brady was all on Michael Floyd. He just seemed to slow down and not try for the ball. And aside from some great blocks (one on McKinney in the red zone sprung Lewis on that toss sweep to get him down to the 1), he was completely taken out of the game. At some point I would have given him a Breathalyzer.

*Granted the deflected interception when he didn’t see McKinney was inexcusable. Though every quarterback in the league does that fairly regularly. It’s all part of the plan. But when a guy who threw 28 TDs and 2 pick does it, everybody LOSES THEIR MINDS.

*By way of a little perspective, this is Brady’s 15th year as a starter. And his 11th AFC Championship Game. That’s 73%. Meaning he gets to conference title games at a higher rate than four NBA teams hit their free throws.

*I’ll write about Vince Wilfork at length some other time. But watching him before and after the game, hugging Mr. Kraft and making Belichick all heart eyes, made my soul glow.

*OK, one more bit of perspective. My older son just turned 21. When I hit my 21st birthday, I’d seen the Patriots play in exactly 3 playoff games and lose them all. Tom Brady just won his 23rd, breaking the quarterback record previously held by… Tom Brady. So not only does that explain why I am the way I am, it demonstrates why I’m not about to foam at the mouth with anger over a postseason win because of style points.

*We’re onto bitching about Roger Goodell being too chickenshit to show his face in Gillette next Sunday.

Jerry has a book! “From Darkness to Dynasty: The First 40 Years of the New England Patriots” has been called “the perfect book for any reader who is a die-hard Pats fan.” It’s of available now online and at bookstores everywhere. Details and scheduled book signings are at JerryThornton.net.