Should I Adopt This Cross-Eyed Dog In Florida?

So this cute little cross-eyed dog is up for adoption in Florida. Naturally this appeals to me, speaks to my brand. I’m a huge dog guy. I know that basically goes without saying here at Barstool S?p?o?r?t?s? / Celebrity Gossip / Bachelor Nation / Bieber Dicks / Liberals For America, but still worth mentioning. I grew up with a chocolate lab that actually turned out to be a Chesapeake Bay retriever. Marvin. He was awesome (nicknamed “Ron” cuz he had a hammer).

Anyway, as a single dude having a dog is key. Bitches love dogs. And let’s be honest I’m looking for any advantage I can get. Riggsy doesn’t turn down dating advantages. I mean what kind of chance does a super athletic, polite, division one college hockey playing, smart, funny, Harvard grad with the coolest job on earth living in Manhattan have in the dating pool? Just a terrible catch. (Used to do WAY better with chicks before Barstool curtailed my image into some mutant freak whose eyes turn females to stone but whatever. Here we are.)

Back to the dog. I think I have to adopt this guy? Like it’d be wrong and I wouldn’t be the person everyone including myself thinks I am if I didn’t? Seems like a no-brainer but there are a few concerns. 1) It’s in Florida and Florida’s Florida so there’s an inherent risk. Thing might have Zika or the plague or worse could infect America’s biggest city with Floridianness then look what I’ve done. 2) Almost makes too much sense. Is too perfect. I’ve been on this rock long enough to know that I’m a very normal/average dude. Nothing too good and nothing too bad happens to me. If some opportunity this good and obvious presents itself that means trouble looms close. This is a tough one.

PS — Calling me cross-eyed is so Portnoy it hurts. My eye defect is the exact opposite. They’re lazy not crossed but whatever. Tomayto tomahto, mom mum, cross-eyed lazy-eyed… bottom line I think I need this dog.