#20) Portnoy And His Insecure Tribe Of Chosens Trying To Wage War On Christmas At Barstool HQ...Sad!

Doesnt get any more insecure than the Jews on Christmas. I come strolling into the office today, ambushed with cameras in my face so that Dave could see my reaction to his giant Menorah of Death. No surprise there. Every year right around this time the Chosens start chirping, desperate to get some holiday shine. Inferiority complex through the roof. And thats coming from a lifelong sports loser who knows all about being desperate to be great.

You see, the Jews are like the Jets. Every year its the same thing. They thump their chest and run their mouths. Desperate for some Holiday Headlines. Dying to be relevant. Attempting to fabricate some sort of “rivalry” with Christmas. As if Hanukah is even on the Gentile Radar. Unleavened bread and spinning wooden tops. Have fun losers.

Meanwhile Christians are just like the Pats. Sit back and quietly wait for the Big Day. Know that they will dominate the entire month leading up to the day that actually matters. The quiet confidence knowing that you cant be touched. Enjoy every moment of it all knowing that you’re the best.

And to take it a step further, the poor Jews once had Jesus just like the Jets had Belichick. They had the Son of God…literally the most important person to ever walk this earth…and they let him get away. JC basically scribbled on a napkin “I resign from Judaism.” And be “resign from Judaism” I mean the Jews nailed him to a cross and asphyxiated him. Boy, was the Tribe on the wrong side of history on that one. Been waiting around another 2,000 years for the “real” Messiah to come. Like some poor kid with divorced parents sitting on the front step waiting for their dad to pick them up from Mommy’s house. Newflash, Jews, he aint coming. You chose…poorly. Now the Gentiles roll deep…2 billion of us dominating this planet and the entire holiday season.

But enjoy all those Hanukah songs, and Hanukah movies. Enjoy those delicious Hanukah snacks like potato pancakes! I’ll be one of the 2 billion Christians smiling ear to ear, enjoying the 2000th straight year of this dynasty, loving every second of the next 2 weeks while you desperately try to convince yourself your religion and your customs are fun.