United Airlines Is Going To Start Charging People To Put Their Bags In The Overhead Compartments

ABC – The coveted carry-on bag. Not checking your bag has its perks–avoid waiting around at baggage claim at the end of your flight, or worrying about losing it, and it’s cheaper.

Or, at least, it used to be.

United Airlines just announced a new ticket option called “Basic Economy,” banning the use of overhead bins for luggage.

So now you’re stuck with either paying for a checked bag, or paying for a more expensive ticket to bring it on the flight with you.

According to a release from U.S. Sen. Charles Schumer’s office, United expects the plan to raise $1 billion for the company by 2020. Other airlines are waiting to see if this policy sticks before implementing it themselves.

The new “Basic Economy” ticket would only allow travelers to bring one small item on board – 9 inches x 10 inches x 17 inches – and could only store them below the seat in front of them and pay for checked bags.

These motherfuckers. I might just be done flying altogether. I adjusted when they started charging to check bags. I perfected packing tight, packing light. I can fit a lifetime’s wardrobe in the space by my feet and the overhead compartment. But you take away one of those? You just fucked me worse than you could have if you had actually inserted an engorged phallus in my anal cavity.

The early reaction is just to fly with an airline other than United, but what am I going to fly Spirit Airlines, the leading cause of suicide in the United States? There’s barely any airlines left that aren’t either a) fucking you with fees or b) simply awful experiences. And, as it says above, this is just the first domino to fall. Soon enough, unless people stop flying United altogether, every airline will be charging naming right to your first born just to enjoy a seltzer water on your flight. We’re in the age of the up-sell, drink it in.

And one final fuck you to whatever smarmy consultant or Vice President in charge of finances that conceived this evil, disruptive deed. Enjoy your step up the corporate ladder, I hope it was worth making humanity worse. At some point it’s not even about the money. It’s about the extra time it’s going to take and the extra regulations that we are going to have to follow. More buttons to press, more lines to stand in, more rules to follow.