REMINDER: Don't Fuck With Africa As Hippo Gets In A 3-Point Stance And Charges A Truck Head On

Oh shit is right. There I was assuming Hippopautamouses were harmless, cute water creatures whose sole fault is having big appetites. I didn’t know these fuckers are one of the deadliest animals on the planet. That charging beast weighs as much as a Melissa McCarthy and is half as hungry. And this dude is lucky he’s in his 2-ton truck (even though foreign made vehicles apparently don’t have steering or an option to fucking reverse). That hippo, he’ll swallow you whole. Think I’m kidding?  I’d like to submit this as evidence A to the court:

These idiots doing their real life Heart Of Darkness down the river were THIS close to being devoured alive. This maneater weighs 3.5 tons and clocks in with sub 4.0 40. Look at that thing go. I haven’t seen that kind of closing speed since Deion in his prime. That bastard is the Primetime of Hippos. So much for planning that African river ride I was never going to take.