Vladimir Putin Grants Steven Seagal Russian Citizenship, Which Probably Means That The World Is Completely Fucked

NYDN- Actor Steven Seagal’s love for martial arts just helped him become a Russian citizen. The “Under Siege” star was awarded Russian citizenship on Thursday after spending years accompanying pal Vladimir Putin to martial arts events and publically praising his presidential policies. Seagal, 64, has been pushing to become a citizen for a long time, according to Putin’s spokesman Dmitry Peskov. Peskov added that Seagal “is known for his warm feelings to our country, he never made a secret of it, and he’s also a well-known actor, which gave grounds to make him a Russian citizen.”

The Michigan-born film star, who is of Russian descent, has certainly been open about his feelings on Putin’s Russia. In 2014, he called the Kremlin the “greatest world leader alive today.” “He cares more about Russia than anybody I know,” Seagal said at the time. “And he’s not afraid to get up and do what needs to be done.” Seagal even noted that he would like to refer to the Russian president as his brother.

Say it ain’t so, Stevie! This is scary guys. Scarier than this election. Scarier than Russia testing out super murder nukes. Scarier than anything else you will see on the news this month. The number 1 stone cold killer on the planet is now apparently Vlady Daddy Putin’s right hand man is as bad as it gets for the free world. It’s like LeBron selling his soul and taking his talents to South Beach with Pat Riley, only if LeBron was wearing an all black everything gi during the announcement.

To be honest, the only thing stopping me from hiding in Adam Morrison’s (alleged) apocalypse bunker is the fact that I still believe in Steven Seagal. Has to be a good old fashioned deep cover twist, right? One minute he’s putting the toilet seat up and down for Putin, the next he’s killing 1000 Russian henchman, breaking Putin’s neck, and saving the world yet again.