Man Arrested For Shooting At Zombie Who Wasn't Actually A Zombie

MINNEAPOLIS (WCCO) — A North St. Paul man has been arrested after a bullet he allegedly intended to take out a zombie ended up nearly striking a man asleep in his home.

Investigators determined the bullet had entered through a window, ricocheted near the head of the man’s bed, and struck a second wall.

Just outside the residence, police noted 24-year-old Ryan Mathew Stanislaw walking with an AR-15 rifle slung over his neck.

“I’m out here making sure my neighborhood is safe,” he told officers, allegedly smelling of alcohol. “I didn’t see the cops, so I figured I’d do something.”

Man. People just get pinched up for anything these days. My pal here was just doing a simple neighborhood watch and being a good Samaritan and now he’s in jail for wreckless endangerment? Despicable.

He goes around a corner and sees some fucking zombie sleeping in his bed like ALL zombies do. You dont have time to phone the police like some kinda wussy city slicker. You take matters into your own hands. It’s day one neighborhood watch stuff. You see a zombie; you fire on that zombie. I mean, grow up. You dont fire on that zombie and the next you know you’re getting your dick eaten in your front yard in early October. People think it’s a joke because Halloween is so close and you’re known as the guy who gets into the holiday spirit. Your dick is being chewed to the bone all the while you can see your neighbors yucking it up on the sidelines commenting on your “acting abilities.” Cant take that chance.

Anytime you see a zombie, you fire a warning shot. Period. You gotta let that zombie, who was probably asleep on a comfortable Leesa Mattress, know who’s boss. At least that’s what we did in my day. Now you gotta pussyfoot around sleeping zombies. It’s a shame.

No chance a jury convicts, though. I mean he said, “I didn’t see the cops, so I figured I’d do something.”

Case dismissed.