Power Play By This PA Cop To Admit He Jerks Off In His Car But Only To Stay Awake

BETHLEHEM — Bethlehem patrolman Glenn C. Woolard ended his night shift and was driving home Wednesday morning when he pulled down his basketball shorts and exposed himself, according to court records. A woman in a box truck was driving next to Woolard’s sedan as they both went south on Hamilton Boulevard in Lower Macungie Township and was shocked at what she saw, telling a state trooper who took her report, he was “waving it around” and fondling himself, court records say. The woman gave the sedan’s license plate number to police, who went to Woolard’s nearby house. At first, Woolard denied the accusation, but then confessed, authorities said. The 35-year-old patrolman admitted exposing himself Wednesday morning and also a week earlier in the parking lot of the Target store where a woman said he had his window down “as if he wanted to be seen,” the records say. In his defense, Woolard allegedly told the trooper, he wasn’t doing it for sexual gratification. He was just trying to stay awake while driving home, court records say.

And here I thought a little coffee, coke, or some infamous Trucker’s Choice pills would be the surefire way to stay awake on the roads. Nope. All you gotta do for that ol’ shot of energy is pull down your basketball shorts and rub one out. In his defense, Officer Woodlard is only exercising public safety. If it’s between falling asleep at the wheel and causing deadly accidents or stroking his stick, you better believe I’d rather have people beating their dicks like it owes them money. Sure, in a perfect world he could hit up Wawa for a Cup Of Joe or pull over for a quick cat nap. But this world ain’t perfect. Sometimes you gotta swing your dick around like a Goddamn helicopter in front of women in Target parking lots to stay awake. To each their own.

The least this guy can do is add a calling card to his public indecency habits like an honorable criminal. You can’t just be identified multiple times as the cop who jerks off in basketball shorts while off-duty. The Joker left a playing card on his victims. The Wet Bandits flooded houses. The Swiss Cheese Pervert masturbated with dairy products in the driver’s seat. Pick it up, officer. And shockingly, the Swiss Cheese Pervert wasn’t fictional. It was as real as it gets. NE Philly has some interesting mammals.

And yes, I am still amazed the literal Cheese Dick only got off to only 8 years of sex offender prohibition is the biggest upset in the courtroom since Joe Pesci got his cousin’s murder charges dropped. Plus he’s not even on the Megan’s Law list? I was under the assumption if you wore a wife beater and a mustache your named is etched into stone on that site and this guy was putting his dick through cheese asking women if they were lactose intolerant. Or at least that’s what I would’ve asked if I were in his shoes. No way, no how Pagano is going to stop. It took decades of wiring to get to this point, no shrink is going to tell him he can’t get off with the help of dairy products. So head on a swivel, Philly. Cheesedick is on the loose.

PS – A+ effort for the cheese dick photographer. Not that easy keeping the camera steady when some random fat dude is asking you to put cheese on his dick and go to town. Anzel Adams would be impressed.