Barstool’s Preview of Democracy vs Communism – Winner-Take-All (aka USMNT vs Cuba)

Sam's Army10/07/2016 6:38 PM

Sam’s Soccer Safe Space for Stoolies

Hi haters,

So here we are. Just hours away from the single biggest, importantest soccer game the US Men’s National Soccer Team – or USMNT for those in the know – will ever play today. It’s gonne be youge, just youuuuuuuuge.

Before we get to the soccer though, let’s see by a show of hands how many of you clicked on this blog thinking it was going to be about some sort of covert CIA mission in which the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles have been sent to assassinate Fidel Castro?

My guess is there are at least five hands being raised right now. Never mind that Fidel died almost a decade ago (probably), the number of people on this site who still have a hard time distinguishing between USMNT with TMNT is staggering. So if you are one of those, congrats, you’re not alone. Unfortunately this blog is not for you. For those here to get balls deep in some soccer previewing ahead of today’s YOUGE game to defeat the Commies once and for all, let’s get to it…

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USMNT

Last international break I mentioned the new rule (punishable by the immediate removal of the coach) that the US should never ever lose to a “country” with an ampersand in the name. This time round I am adding “countries where internet is illegal” to the list. Thus, today’s game really has nothing to do with Cuba, or whatever bastardized version of Communism they are purporting to be using over there these days. Instead, it SHOULD be all about getting a look at some fresh young talent, and giving guys who desperately need it – eg, Jozy Altidore and Bobby Wood – some playing time together ahead of next month’s important Hex games, and for the most part this is the philosophy Jurgen Klinsmann appears to share when putting together the roster for the games today and another versus an actual semi-live opponent in New Zealand on Tuesday (October 11).

POSITIVE:
• Youth, and plenty of it. Gotta love seeing the likes of Pulisic, Morris, Green and most of all GOOOOOOOOOOOOCH. It is the first-ever call-up for the Sunderland midfielder, and while it won’t officially cap-tie him to the US, it is a big step in that direction. If we are being honest I would’ve liked to see some others like Cameron Carter-Vickers (Tottenham) and Matt Miazga (on loan to Viteesse), though they aren’t getting first-team minutes so it’s not necessarily a “snub” to those guys.

NEGATIVE:
• Fucking Wondo, man. He’s like a godamn herpe on US soccer’s balls. In fact, it makes so little sense that you almost gotta respect it at this point. Why JK thinks bringing an “experienced” veteran for a friendly against a small island nation instead of providing some much-needed “experience” to a young up-and-comer is beyond me. Sometimes Klinsmann just gotta Klinsmann though.

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QUESTIONS, CONCERNS and THINGS TO WATCH FOR:

Reminder: Cuba kinda sucks so if this guy or that guy looks spectacular, or if god forbid Wondo scores, do everybody a favor and keep your pants on. Today’s game (and the one against New Zealand) are meaningless. Next month’s Hex is what matters.

1) How will Altidore and Wood play together up top? They looked reasonably good in the recent qualifiers against similarly middling opposition, but more minutes should mean more gelling. Gelling is good. (Though JK needs to find a balance between that and giving guys like Morris and maybe even Green some minutes as well.)

2) Wait, so is Sacha Kljeistan good after all? JK eschewed him forever in favor of other midfielders but after helping to carry Red Bulls – “in MLS,’ say the haters – and several solid performances in the national team jersey – “against ampersands,” say the haters – it is hard to see him not playing some serious minutes in the upcoming Hex. The US is in desperate need of a creative player in the middle of the field so Michael Bradley can revert to his more defensive roll and we can leave him alone for once… I’m not convinced Kljeistan is that guy long term – keep in mind ol boy is 31 years old – but he appears to be one of the better options available at the moment.

3) If not Kljeistan, will another midfielder step up? No Jermaine Jones or Kyle Beckerman means may be some minutes available for guys like Perry Kitchen (newly anointed captain of Hearts in Scotland), Paul Arriola and/or Danny Williams. Seeing at least one of these guys put up a good performance or two in the next week would be great, just great.

4) Will Pulisic be given a chance to do Pulisic things? I’m all in on this kid. He just turned 18 so the risk the federal government would put me on a watch list for expressing my undying love for him has now passed. So we’re doin boners? Damn right we’re doin boners.

CHOO CHOOOOOOOOOO

5) Third-string GK up for grabs. No Guzan and no Timmy for these games, so it will be interesting to see who among Bingham, Horvath and Yarbrough steps up – or at least are given an opportunity to do so.

6) Biggest – and really only – concern: does Wondo see the field? If yes, so help me god, I may have to do something I regret like get really drunk and tweet obscenities at JK/US Soccer.